bshafferliveinconfidence.com

“One in four girls will experience sexual abuse by the time she is sixteen, and 48 percent of all rapes involve a young woman under the age of eighteen. It’s not surprising then, that in a society where sexual abuse of young women is rampant, many women never share their stories. They remain hidden and invisible.”

I share my story in a way that helped me heal and release a heavy weight I carried for years. As I began to heal and surrender my abusive past, I found that I was drawn to helping others. Never be ashamed of your story as it will inspire others and help others take that first step to truly healing. I was 8 years old when the sexual abuse started, but the physical abuse started before I could even walk.

January 16, 2018

Dear Inner Child (Becky),

Coming from a home with little food, no electricity, and worn-out clothes in which you washed what you had to wear in your shower was a normal routine.  My mom at the time struggled with self-worth, beating down herself and allowing her health to decline.  She was depressed, obese, and had two outfits to her name while trying to hold a professional teaching job.  I would wash her clothes as well and remember how worn out they were.  I watched as a scared 8-year-old all my Dad’s belongings being thrown into the front yard.  I remember crying, but yet relieved the beatings would finally stop for my mom my brothers and sister, and I.

Soon after, the state took all 4 of us and placed us in a Children’s Home.  I remember the day on the playground and Dad driving up to visit, but just through his car window.  I couldn’t believe that this man, visited his kids through a car window, but today, I realized it was all he was capable of. 

We made it! It was the fire I had deep inside that consumed me, but also saved me.   I had to be tough which meant not crying or showing much emotion.

Being forced by the courts we had no choice but to go to Dad’s every other weekend.  I see you sitting in the bathtub, the day it happened for the first time. My father had a cigar hanging out of his mouth while touching me, still to this day it is hard for me to see a claw foot bathtub or smell a cigar. 

After my weekends with him, coming home was confusing and scary.  Telling my Mom would ruin “our little secret.”    I see you in the shower, scrubbing your body until it started to bleed.  No matter how hard you scrubbed, it was still dirty.  Never clean enough.  Your body will feel clean again, I wish I could have told you so that you could understand what “Daddy”  did to you.   I hurt, I hurt today as the adult of you.  I hurt today that I couldn’t protect you, that I couldn’t talk, that I was so scared to say a word, and that I saw this happen for many years. 

I often thought, was this everybody’s life, or just mine?  It was the most, lonely feeling in the world.

Why was my dad praying in the morning, on his knees saying the rosary, and then hurting me in the afternoon?  You were confused with church and God.  At 12 years old, when most girls were busy with regular girl stuff, you tried to find out as much as you could about the subject of touching.  In our world, sex was taboo, not talked about   

Lisa and Wayne came into my life at the right time.  They had a farm up the road and we went to the same church.  I stayed with them after the Children’s Home.   I gained a Mom, Dad, and 3 brothers.  I had a loving life filled with unconditional love.  It was so hard to comprehend at this time, yet the feeling of family, sitting at a dinner table, and being responsible for chores was pretty damn amazing.   I will never forget the time Lisa White took me shopping for new clothes, I had no idea how to shop, and it felt so awkward and I felt so undeserving.  I had never been to a mall. The feeling of something new and not washing clothes in the bathtub was overwhelming.

You will go through a voyage of self-discovery, you will bury this deep inside and try to hide that this ever happened.   Leaving you with the challenge of being your authentic self.   

You just swallowed a bottle of pills.   Your stomach was pumped and you were finally able to tell your story.

Our peace doesn’t come the way you think it does. It doesn’t come by hiding or avoiding difficult situations or people, it comes by embracing them.   For me, it came by burning a box of old pictures and projects my Dad had kept from my early years.  To some, this would be treasure, to me it was heartache.  I kept a treasure box for my kids so that they can look back at their journey.

I now find myself about to turn 50 with two young adult sons beginning their life journey.

I want to thank you for helping me find my innocence and living life through those strong-willed eyes I see every time I look in the mirror. 

Love,

Me … And You

Becky Shaffer

Misunderstood in a world of misunderstanding. Walking in a shadow only I can see. Pain that only I can feel, ohhhh, how did I get here?

Not connecting, not understood, oh what is the point to connect with those that can not recognize the depth of a mind that works in many different avenues.

Being misunderstood, feeling alone, and disappointed.

Craving the connection of those that can resonate at a similar level of consciousness. The truth is, only one that a deep individual can appreciate.

There is so much we wanna know, I wish it was easy, but it isn’t so.

No one knows who I am, and if this was the plan, tell me why. I cry in the dark and smile in the light.

I wish it was easy, but it isn’t.

How did I get here, look at me now.

I woke up and saw my shadow. It was the shadow of the past. However, the stronger the shadow the stronger the light.

How did I get here, look at me now, I tried to pick you up, but the shadow is so wide. Keep your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground. All deserved is a step away.

Misunderstood….ideas shining…..distance….it is great to be misunderstood…the mind like no other, the depth of the soul and only a shadow I can see. A depth that I misunderstood for ooooh so many years.

A journey of greatness, a willingness to get uncomfortable and be misunderstood, that is where great things happen. Being authentic, viewing the world through a lens of honesty and vulnerability, allowing connections, and craving that deeper level and experience can be so misunderstood.

Taking risks and speaking the mind of truth when many will turn away….misunderstood…

Seeing differences, and putting in the work to see different perspectives….misunderstood…

A journey of mistakes, success, hurt, nothing to ever be ashamed of….misunderstood…

Learning of courage and speaking up and striving to achieve big things….yet…misunderstood…..

Not allowing the chaos to catch you, grateful for all….misunderstood…

Recognizing the higher power is truly YOU….misunderstood…..

In the end, I misunderstood myself the most.

These old barms hold memories.

Memories taking us back in history, the ruggitness of hard work and sweat. This history of agriculture on landscapes of mountains, hills and in the plans.  It’s the history and the stories behind these structures that make them so intriguing.

Filled with heartbreak escaping slavery, to shelter for animals, a place to socialize and a new life born. From birth to death those walls hold what no one else can see.

Still standing by the grace of planks soaking the sunrise to the east and the sunset to the west, holding beauty and purpose even when they can hardly stand, holding many gifts of truth of stories not heard.

Holding age which is todays art, showing one can rest but do not fall, nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen, the value of hard.work taught with some of the best memories made within those walls.

Doing chores, playing in the dirt, jumping in the hay, building characer, respecting the land while growing bonds and establishing roots. Still standing by the grace of plaks soaking in the sunrise to the east and the sunset to the west, holding onto the beauty it once was.

The healing, tears of triumph, and life’s escapes, only those barn walls can hold! The sturdy structure where healing began and truths were told will forever hold more than one can bear…

Many cross the bridge before they come to it. One must cross the streets of failures, and heartache, and explore possibilities before one knows which bridge to cross.

Life lessons and discipline is the bridge between accomplishments and for some their life desires. We all look ahead and in order to set that path for that journey, one must walk the road before crossing that bridge.

The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross or learn that you crossed a bridge that led to hurt which gives you the fear of future vulnerabilities.  Until you cross the bridge of insecurities, you can’t begin to explore your possibilities, as each bridge leads to a destination of lessons, growth, healing, courage, and surrendering of life’s hardest hurts.

We look at bridges holding two things together.  Two pieces of land that could never be connected in another way.  They create optimism about getting to the other side.  They create hope in the unknown of what can’t be seen on the other side.

I have walked across many bridges, I have seen many landscapes, I have experienced many storms, sometimes falling off that bridge to the deep unknown, to only float to the surface to try it again.

Embarking on this journey with so many possibilities of our dreams requires bravery, courage, and commitment to put one foot in front of the other.  It requires leaving the luggage of fears behind, not forgotten, but only the lessons will follow. 

Turning around to enjoy the view as you cross that bridge brings joy and the knowing that all the past has been surrendered, not forgotten, and within you, the lessons that allowed you to cross yet another bridge. 

All those bridges led me to where I am today, led me to you, and you to me.  Allowed my heart to love again in a way I have dreamed and it is so beautiful, like a rainbow in the distance of that waterfall that the bridge overlooks. 

This new bridge is beautiful, I see our home, our love, and our endless possibilities.  I am excited to grab your hand and walk that last bridge with you, yet build many more bridges together.

Becky Shaffer/Author/Educator/Life Coach

livinginconfidence@gmail.com

We’ve all seen them. The quotes on Facebook, Pinterest, Intagram and Twitter. They seem so bold, inspiring, liberating and freeing.

But it dawned on me, it’s the universe itself speaking to me, in a moment so clear I could almost swear all those around me had heard it.

It said “you do not have to leave the woman you were, in the past. You do not have to leave the person you were as a child, as a teenager, or as a yong adult.”

We do not leave these people behind, we carry them with us. Not as weight, or a burden. Not with hurt, or pain; but we carry them with us as knowlege, as healing, as a surrender from all the past trauma. As a rememberance of all the sweet smells, grandmas hugs, feelings of our hearts brimming with joy and love.

As a teenager and the first heart break, being bullied, or growing up faster than one should. Becoming responsible and capable, feeling proud, wanting so badly to belong, being understood,

Knowledge allows us to reach others.

Wisdom to see that although there was hurt, we grew tall and strong in spirit.

We carry them as teachers, as reminders of who they were then. This is a valuable journey we take today.

I will not leave any of me behind. The child I was, the gangly teenager, or the woman I have become.

Beyond the things we carry, there are things that carry us. Those things are hope, joy, confidence, vulnerability and faith. They are the little miracles that get us through the day. They are there when our legs fail and we need a little help to get back on our feet. One foot in front of the other walking down many paths, with many purposes from all we once were and all we are today.

I will be all those people, all at once; and walk through this universe with multiple purposes. In spite of it all….

I MADE IT!

Becky Shaffer

 Trust That Grief Is Part of Healing

Time doesn’t heal the pain associated with a loss; it’s what you do with that time that matters. Grief is the process by which you heal. Experiencing the pain rather than constantly trying to escape it, can actually help you feel better in the long-term.

So while it may be tempting to pretend the holidays don’t exist—or to numb the pain with alcohol—temporarily avoiding the pain only prolongs the anguish. Eventually, the holidays and all the first, second, third and so on of the events, will get easier, but only if you allow yourself to experience the grief of going through them without your loved one.

I experience this wave of grief in my own life.  Going into the holidays since my mom has passed away, Thanksgiving has never been the same.  I have found myself wishing she was here, feeling sad over memories, yet I also find myself cherishing the memories that I hold dear to my heart.  Christmas music, holiday parties, and festive decorations that were meant to bring joy have served as painful reminders of my loss. As it is for most people experiencing loss, the holiday season seems to be the most painful time of all.

I have found that I have been blessed in so many ways since my moms passing.  I have had “Friendsgivings”, I have cooked, and I had a Thanksgiving with the my boys and I.  This year I get to have my frist Thanksgiving with a very dear friend and my podcast partner.  These new memories are ones I wouldn’t have any other way.  I am so blessed and thankful.

But after the holidays are over, the pain and grief are still real and still need to be dealt with and healed.

HOW DO YOU HEAL FROM GRIEF?

There is no right answer to how one heals.  A break up not wanted, a divorce not expected, death, death of a parent, sickness of a dear friend, all add up and take over our life for as long as we allow it. Grief doesn’t fit in a box, either.  Some forms of grief take years to work through, other types take a few solid months, some take a single moment of deep acknowledgement.  Depending on the grief will depend on the steps you take to get over it. The clock starts when you begin to recognize your grief.  In other words, when you genuinely begin to address what happened (or perhaps what never happened).

Outside your bubble, the world continues without you, while everything inside feels deadened, empty, even hopeless. You feel isolated and alone. You may feel directionless, as if you can’t see your way through this darkness to any possibilities beyond this bubble that now separates you from the world.

Working through the reality of this loss means entering into the deeply uncomfortable experience of withdrawal. Mourning the loss of this entity that you helped to create is also the beginning of letting go, not because you want to, but because you have to. It will start to feel lighter, less scary, and the withdrawal ultimately subsides.  I remember the first time I couldn’t talk to my mom, I couldn’t go see her, hold her hand and tell her what was going on in my life.  My mom was my person of reason.  She helped me see things in ways I couldn’t.  She helped me get through some heartache in my own life and now that person is no longer here to help me get through this pain.

Today, as I am living through my third holiday season with out what was my “normal”,  I find myself dealing with grief in a way I didn’t think I would.  I find myself more emotional, yet more understanding and caring towards others who are grieving.  I feel a lot of my mom inside of me, but I miss the hell out of her.  I understand that the loss of my mom is no different then the grief of someone hurting over a break-up, or any other grief they may face today.  I realize that grief for all of us comes in all shapes and sizes.

Eventually, by allowing yourself to be in this difficult process rather than postpone it, you will begin to see the difference between a breakup and a death. Death is final. After a breakup, if you can stumble through withdrawal with one foot in front of the other, understanding that you are still in the world, and allowing yourself to mourn through the loss, you can eventually return to yourself —maybe even a wiser, deeper, stronger and more resilient version of yourself. If you choose, this process will allow you to make room to co-create a fulfilling, reciprocal relationship in the future, even if you can’t believe that just yet. And most importantly, by allowing yourself to truly mourn the end of a relationship, you can move forward into what could be much less encumbered by what has been.

Build your support team and keep them close by.  Accept that they want to help you and may understand your pain.  Even if they don’t understand, don’t push them away. We begin to see grief as our great teacher that reminds us to ask, “Why do I grieve? What do I believe I have lost? Why was it important to me? How do I reconnect with its essence?”  The death of a loved one, save the memories, allow yourself to enjoy all the years that you had. In a break up, ask yourself what you actually lost?  Understand you are worth it and that was not the right person.  This takes some digging and soul searching.

Like everything else, all suffering will go, until one day it comes again. But next time you can be stronger and wiser.

The greatest thing about whatever caused this grief, is that it helps us grow up. It matures us. It brings wisdom. It strengthens our bones. It teaches us to let go.  For some, letting go is not natural.  But sadly, part of the process.

We learn we can go through hard times, and with little effort the sun shines again. We can take off our shoes and touch our toes to sand and run on the beach, knowing that we made it through. Our happiness never really went away—it still exists inside of us—yet, we are remembering it anew. Fresh, transformed, aliveness engages us again.  You can live in the now again, let new people into your life and also hold dear to the memories once made.  Life is about experiences, yet too short to allow the painful ones to stop us from living new ones ahead.

I have no answers on this process, everyone will walk their path at their pace, but I can help you along this journey and help you see that the light is shining bright at the end of this dark tunnel. Don’t be afraid to reach out and seek some help.  I love you my friend and I to understand this darkness that can over take you, as I have been there.

Becky Shaffer—-Life Coach—-Author—-Educator   *liveinconfidence@gmail.

Check out RAW: Real Adult Wisdom (Podcast)

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/raw/id1633088203

My heart is filled with gratitude! I am blessed with two amazing boys who have made my life all but boring. I had a Mom and Step-Dad that taught me unconditional love and family values. I had an amazing brother whose heart was so loving and giving. I have a beautiful family spread out wide and far, some blood and many not, but they took our family in. We have all walked many storms together and together we always enjoy the beautiful rainbow after all has settled. I have the most amazing friends who have stepped in as family and in times of heartbreak, death, and life events, I am never on my own. For this, I am so thankful! YES, I not only live my best life, but I have been blessed with amazing souls.

My life was not always like this. I had to fight hard, work hard, and truly do the work to get to where I am at today. I still have my days, as we all do. I have had to re-connect with life several times. In my early 20’s I didn’t know the phrase “living my best life”, as I was in survival mode. I had just survived an awful childhood from an abusive father. I somehow managed to make it through college and start a great career, and then I was living in what I ONLY knew, which was survival mode while finding myself in an abusive relationship and another and another. I was self-limiting myself because I was living a familiar life and I only knew “survival-oriented emotions. By dating bad, and having drama friends, I was in my element. This is where I find many of my clients stuck today. Many do not know how to get out of this quicksand that they continue to sink over and over feeling stuck. We were not born with a life manual, we learn as we go. I get it. I was standing in that quicksand during most of my 20s and my 30s. With my experience and training, I am here to help you crawl out of that quicksand and start living YOUR best life.

“Happiness is the highest level of Success”

Until I finally woke up and realized this is the ONE life we get, no matter what we have faced, no matter what we have experienced, this is OUR life and it is up to US in how we move forward from any past shit.

We have all been in a part of our life where we question ourselves. What do I want? How do I want to live this life? How do I get out of this relationship? How do I feel happy again? How do I heal from past trauma? How do I face life after a loved one’s death? This is what I call creating a new life. This doesn’t mean you throw all the past away, it means you take it with you, you turn it into lessons, into your power, and walk forward knowing you will overcome obstacles, you will climb that mountain, you will learn to fly and you will learn to be free of all the bullshit you have been handed and or allowed in your life. You will take the death of loved ones and hold dear to the memories and build something positive of their memory. I have had to recently learn to live without my parents. This has been hard as hell, however, I can smile and cherish all the love and memories I forever hold deep inside. This doesn’t mean I don’t have hard days, but it means I have had to recreate live without them.

Sadly, many build walls and many live in the fear of things being repeated. If you live in fear and do not allow yourself to let go, to heal and to NOT bring your past into new relationships, new friendships, a new job, you will never truly be able to see all that is in front of you. Fear stops the building, fear stops the healing and fear stops that “what could be.” I am not saying that some fear is not healthy, but if you allow it to stop your growth, then you have work to do.

I have personally decided to live my best life. To live to the fullest. To love to the fullest, and to only give to those that appreciate it, want it, and show me this in return. If an opportunity is in front of me, I am going to take it, ONLY if it adds meaning to my life and continues to make me the best version of me. I will be spontaneous, take trips, and see what the world offers. I may never get this time again, so I will take it as life offers it. I never want to live in the “what if”, or the “I should have done that”, I want to live in the, “well, I tried it, I did it” and the lessons will happen or the most amazing experiences will come from this. “LIVING MY BEST LIFE.”

What are you doing to live your best life? This one and only life?

When I sit and look back at my childhood, I realize it has developed me to a degree, but it was such a small part of my life. I have all this life to live, way more than what my childhood was and I think about the lessons from this. Some were not kind, some were heartbreaking, some were not fair to me, and some should have never happened, but it happened. I can’t change any of that, but I can change my outcome, just as you can change yours.

I had to dig deep and ask myself: What kind of person do I want to be? I sure the hell will never be like my biological father, so I do know what I will not be and that was a turning point for me. When we all dig deep, beyond the abusive assholes, beyond those that broke our hearts, beyond those that lied, cheated, or treated us badly, there are some pretty good people around us. Once we clean our lenses and truly look, we all have someone in our life that makes that difference. That one person that believes in you, that will cheer you on in your journey. I have had that with many people in my life. But, I had to truly dig deep, to realize what true unconditional love was.

It took years to feel good about myself, it took years to not feel all the emotions I had from my past. It took a lot of healing, a lot of work, a lot of writing, but most of all it took a lot of ME. I had to find my sense of purpose, comfort, security, inspiration, love, compassion, acceptance, freedom, and many many more positive emotions! YOU CAN TOO!

But what on Earth is meant by “living your best life?”, how do we achieve it?, and why does it feel like so many people other than ourselves have the formula locked down?

Take chances, take risks, try to appreciate the things you do have, and surround yourself with people that bring out the best in you. Sometimes our happiest moments are among the most mundane made special by those they’re shared with. Don’t hinge your happiness on things you think will impress others — that’s not living your best life, that’s only living someone else’s idea of it.

You are a unique individual, so living your best life is exclusive to you. Your best life will reflect your true values. It will be made up of what makes you happy and will be colored by what making a difference means to you. Living your best life is being the best version of YOU!

A few things I live by:

“The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.” Never become too busy or too preoccupied to celebrate everything you have done, all that you have and all that you are! Never become too busy for those in your life!

“You don’t become what you want, you become what you believe.” There is nothing more influential than your thoughts.

“Turn your wounds and pain into wisdom.” Turn your mess into a message. Don’t let your pain be in vain. Do something positive with it!

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.” Stress comes from thinking that things should have been different. But they have worked out this way for a reason. ALL you can do is keep moving forward. Use that past as your positive, as your growth.

 “Go ahead. Fall down. The world looks different from the ground.” Everything that we go through gives us new perspective, information and insight. Embrace all of it.

Let’s Talk!

Take the next step If you’d like to explore whether or not there’s a fit for you and me to work together. Send an email to liveinconfidence@gmail.com and leave your name, and a short message of what you are looking for to improve your life, and I will set up a free 30-minute consultation.

I don’t have a “magic wand” that will bring you instant answers without having to do any work. I’ve been there, I have done the work.

I can’t promise you that your journey won’t be uncomfortable, and possibly frightening at times as putting in the work is hard stuff. But what I can promise you is that I will support you in finding YOUR answer. I’m a coach, not a therapist…and it’s my job to help you get UNSTUCK.

Becky Shaffer /Life Coach/ Fitness Coach/ Educator/