These Old Barns

These old barms hold memories.

Memories taking us back in history, the ruggitness of hard work and sweat. This history of agriculture on landscapes of mountains, hills and in the plans.  It’s the history and the stories behind these structures that make them so intriguing.

Filled with heartbreak escaping slavery, to shelter for animals, a place to socialize and a new life born. From birth to death those walls hold what no one else can see.

Still standing by the grace of planks soaking the sunrise to the east and the sunset to the west, holding beauty and purpose even when they can hardly stand, holding many gifts of truth of stories not heard.

Holding age which is todays art, showing one can rest but do not fall, nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen, the value of hard.work taught with some of the best memories made within those walls.

Doing chores, playing in the dirt, jumping in the hay, building characer, respecting the land while growing bonds and establishing roots. Still standing by the grace of plaks soaking in the sunrise to the east and the sunset to the west, holding onto the beauty it once was.


The healing, tears of triumph, and life’s escapes, only those barn walls can hold! The sturdy structure where healing began and truths were told will forever hold more than one can bear…

Crossing The Bridge

Many cross the bridge before they come to it. One must cross the streets of failures, and heartache, and explore possibilities before one knows which bridge to cross.

Life lessons and discipline is the bridge between accomplishments and for some their life desires. We all look ahead and in order to set that path for that journey, one must walk the road before crossing that bridge.

The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross or learn that you crossed a bridge that led to hurt which gives you the fear of future vulnerabilities.  Until you cross the bridge of insecurities, you can’t begin to explore your possibilities, as each bridge leads to a destination of lessons, growth, healing, courage, and surrendering of life’s hardest hurts.

We look at bridges holding two things together.  Two pieces of land that could never be connected in another way.  They create optimism about getting to the other side.  They create hope in the unknown of what can’t be seen on the other side.

I have walked across many bridges, I have seen many landscapes, I have experienced many storms, sometimes falling off that bridge to the deep unknown, to only float to the surface to try it again.

Embarking on this journey with so many possibilities of our dreams requires bravery, courage, and commitment to put one foot in front of the other.  It requires leaving the luggage of fears behind, not forgotten, but only the lessons will follow. 

Turning around to enjoy the view as you cross that bridge brings joy and the knowing that all the past has been surrendered, not forgotten, and within you, the lessons that allowed you to cross yet another bridge. 

All those bridges led me to where I am today, led me to you, and you to me.  Allowed my heart to love again in a way I have dreamed and it is so beautiful, like a rainbow in the distance of that waterfall that the bridge overlooks. 

This new bridge is beautiful, I see our home, our love, and our endless possibilities.  I am excited to grab your hand and walk that last bridge with you, yet build many more bridges together.

Becky Shaffer/Author/Educator/Life Coach

livinginconfidence@gmail.com

The Things We Carry

We’ve all seen them. The quotes on Facebook, Pinterest, Intagram and Twitter. They seem so bold, inspiring, liberating and freeing.

But it dawned on me, it’s the universe itself speaking to me, in a moment so clear I could almost swear all those around me had heard it.

It said “you do not have to leave the woman you were, in the past. You do not have to leave the person you were as a child, as a teenager, or as a yong adult.”

We do not leave these people behind, we carry them with us. Not as weight, or a burden. Not with hurt, or pain; but we carry them with us as knowlege, as healing, as a surrender from all the past trauma. As a rememberance of all the sweet smells, grandmas hugs, feelings of our hearts brimming with joy and love.

As a teenager and the first heart break, being bullied, or growing up faster than one should. Becoming responsible and capable, feeling proud, wanting so badly to belong, being understood,

Knowledge allows us to reach others.

Wisdom to see that although there was hurt, we grew tall and strong in spirit.

We carry them as teachers, as reminders of who they were then. This is a valuable journey we take today.

I will not leave any of me behind. The child I was, the gangly teenager, or the woman I have become.

Beyond the things we carry, there are things that carry us. Those things are hope, joy, confidence, vulnerability and faith. They are the little miracles that get us through the day. They are there when our legs fail and we need a little help to get back on our feet. One foot in front of the other walking down many paths, with many purposes from all we once were and all we are today.

I will be all those people, all at once; and walk through this universe with multiple purposes. In spite of it all….

I MADE IT!

Becky Shaffer

Grief, the Holidays And Beyond

 Trust That Grief Is Part of Healing

dptTime doesn’t heal the pain associated with a loss; it’s what you do with that time that matters. Grief is the process by which you heal. Experiencing the pain rather than constantly trying to escape it, can actually help you feel better in the long-term.

So while it may be tempting to pretend the holidays don’t exist—or to numb the pain with alcohol—temporarily avoiding the pain only prolongs the anguish. Eventually, the holidays and all the first, second, third and so on of the events, will get easier, but only if you allow yourself to experience the grief of going through them without your loved one.

I experience this wave of grief in my own life.  Going into the holidays since my mom has passed away, Thanksgiving has never been the same.  I have found myself wishing she was here, feeling sad over memories, yet I also find myself cherishing the memories that I hold dear to my heart.  Christmas music, holiday parties, and festive decorations that were meant to bring joy have served as painful reminders of my loss. As it is for most people experiencing loss, the holiday season seems to be the most painful time of all.

I have found that I have been blessed in so many ways since my moms passing.  I have had “Friendsgivings”, I have cooked, and I had a Thanksgiving with the my boys and I.  This year I get to have my frist Thanksgiving with a very dear friend and my podcast partner.  These new memories are ones I wouldn’t have any other way.  I am so blessed and thankful.

But after the holidays are over, the pain and grief are still real and still need to be dealt with and healed.

HOW DO YOU HEAL FROM GRIEF?

There is no right answer to how one heals.  A break up not wanted, a divorce not expected, death, death of a parent, sickness of a dear friend, all add up and take over our life for as long as we allow it. Grief doesn’t fit in a box, either.  Some forms of grief take years to work through, other types take a few solid months, some take a single moment of deep acknowledgement.  Depending on the grief will depend on the steps you take to get over it. The clock starts when you begin to recognize your grief.  In other words, when you genuinely begin to address what happened (or perhaps what never happened).

Outside your bubble, the world continues without you, while everything inside feels deadened, empty, even hopeless. You feel isolated and alone. You may feel directionless, as if you can’t see your way through this darkness to any possibilities beyond this bubble that now separates you from the world.

Working through the reality of this loss means entering into the deeply uncomfortable experience of withdrawal. Mourning the loss of this entity that you helped to create is also the beginning of letting go, not because you want to, but because you have to. It will start to feel lighter, less scary, and the withdrawal ultimately subsides.  I remember the first time I couldn’t talk to my mom, I couldn’t go see her, hold her hand and tell her what was going on in my life.  My mom was my person of reason.  She helped me see things in ways I couldn’t.  She helped me get through some heartache in my own life and now that person is no longer here to help me get through this pain.

E19DBFE7-C50F-4C7C-B5DC-FAE1D70D4A61Today, as I am living through my third holiday season with out what was my “normal”,  I find myself dealing with grief in a way I didn’t think I would.  I find myself more emotional, yet more understanding and caring towards others who are grieving.  I feel a lot of my mom inside of me, but I miss the hell out of her.  I understand that the loss of my mom is no different then the grief of someone hurting over a break-up, or any other grief they may face today.  I realize that grief for all of us comes in all shapes and sizes.

Eventually, by allowing yourself to be in this difficult process rather than postpone it, you will begin to see the difference between a breakup and a death. Death is final. After a breakup, if you can stumble through withdrawal with one foot in front of the other, understanding that you are still in the world, and allowing yourself to mourn through the loss, you can eventually return to yourself —maybe even a wiser, deeper, stronger and more resilient version of yourself. If you choose, this process will allow you to make room to co-create a fulfilling, reciprocal relationship in the future, even if you can’t believe that just yet. And most importantly, by allowing yourself to truly mourn the end of a relationship, you can move forward into what could be much less encumbered by what has been.

Build your support team and keep them close by.  Accept that they want to help you and may understand your pain.  Even if they don’t understand, don’t push them away. We begin to see grief as our great teacher that reminds us to ask, “Why do I grieve? What do I believe I have lost? Why was it important to me? How do I reconnect with its essence?”  The death of a loved one, save the memories, allow yourself to enjoy all the years that you had. In a break up, ask yourself what you actually lost?  Understand you are worth it and that was not the right person.  This takes some digging and soul searching.

Like everything else, all suffering will go, until one day it comes again. But next time you can be stronger and wiser.

The greatest thing about whatever caused this grief, is that it helps us grow up. It matures us. It brings wisdom. It strengthens our bones. It teaches us to let go.  For some, letting go is not natural.  But sadly, part of the process.

We learn we can go through hard times, and with little effort the sun shines again. We can take off our shoes and touch our toes to sand and run on the beach, knowing that we made it through. Our happiness never really went away—it still exists inside of us—yet, we are remembering it anew. Fresh, transformed, aliveness engages us again.  You can live in the now again, let new people into your life and also hold dear to the memories once made.  Life is about experiences, yet too short to allow the painful ones to stop us from living new ones ahead.

I have no answers on this process, everyone will walk their path at their pace, but I can help you along this journey and help you see that the light is shining bright at the end of this dark tunnel. Don’t be afraid to reach out and seek some help.  I love you my friend and I to understand this darkness that can over take you, as I have been there.

Becky Shaffer—-Life Coach—-Author—-Educator   *liveinconfidence@gmail.

Check out RAW: Real Adult Wisdom (Podcast)

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/raw/id1633088203

Rising Above

When I think back to the shit storm of a childhood I lived, the one word that I have always chanted to myself is “Rising Above”, as this is what kept my focus moving forward. I have always looked at life as way bigger than myself and or my abuse.

Recently, I started a podcast called “RAW”, Real Adult Wisdom. As a certified life coach, after years of studying, working with clients, and surviving my own abuse, I recently started a series on Trauma. I feel compelled to get my story out to help others.

I am a survivor, which at one point in my life, I absolutely despised those four words.

The journey to healing from my emotional, physical, and sexual abuse required me to revolutionize my thinking about relationships, self-love, self-respect, and self-compassion. I put in a lot of work, and a lot of therapy and I truly had to learn to forgive and love myself.

Abusive relationships often serve as the catalyst for incredible change and have the potential to motivate us towards empowerment and strength, should we take advantage of our new agency. One could choose to live in victim mode, one could choose to carry their trauma response behavior into adulthood, or one could choose to heal, realize there is this entire life ahead of you and become the person you are met to be. I chose the latter.

Sadly, in my life, I have dated those who have not done the work, and who have carried their past trauma into our relationship. And those that self-sabotage because they are too afraid to be vulenrable in case it fails. The way we survivors reacted as a child to protect ourselves is not how we can react as an adult. It takes time to learn your worth and vaule as a person and sometimes it is hard when those you date take advantage of who you are as a person. This goes for any walk in life. Work, friends, family all in which I have been blessed in those areas to always have the most positive support.

I spent my 20’s trying to figure out who I was, where I fit into this life, trying to feel good when I looked into the mirror, fighting against my sexuality, and yet trying to live this great life acting as if I lived in no pain when all I did was live in pain daily.

I truly started my healing journey in my mid-30s, although I am never perfect, I am well aware of when I need to put my work in. It took me years to like myself, my body, to realize someone could actually love me for all of me, however, I have not found that one person yet, I know she is out there and one day I will have this because I have worked hard to not only love someone with all of have (besides my kids) but for someone to love all of me for all of who I am.

I, like many, have lived a life of trial and error. I embraced therapy, I embraced reading and journaling, and I embraced a journey to heal and to always make sure I live the best life I can. I love my life coaching business because I have been able to help countless clients because of my past and I have lived it and survived it. I AM A SURVIVOR!

Here are 10 life-changing truths abuse survivors should embrace in their journey to healing, though it may appear challenging to do so.

1. It was not your fault. Abuse survivors are used to being blamed for not being good enough and the mistreatment they’ve suffered convinces them they are not enough. The truth is, the abuser is the person who is not enough. Only a dysfunctional person would deliberately harm another. You, on the other hand, are enough. 

2. Your love cannot inspire the abuser to change. There was nothing you could have done differently to change the abuser. Repeat this to yourself. Nothing. 

3. Healthy relationships are your birthright and you can achieve them. It is your right to have a healthy, safe, and respectful relationship. It is your right to be free from bodily harm and psychological abuse. It is your right to be able to express your emotions without ridicule, stonewalling or the threat of violence. It is your right not to walk on eggshells. It is your right to pursue people who are worthy of your time and energy. Never settle for less than someone who respects you and is considerate towards you.

4. There is still hope for a better life. Healing and recovery is a challenging process, but it is not an impossible one. The effects of trauma can be life-changing and undeniable, but a life after abuse is still possible. You may suffer for a long time from intrusive thoughts, flashbacks and other symptoms as a result of the abuse. You may even enter other unhealthy relationships or reenter the same one; this is not uncommon, as a large part of our behavior is driven by our subconscious and such behavior is often part of the trauma repetition cycle. Still, you are not “damaged goods.” You are not forever scarred, although there are scars that may still remain. You are a victim of abuse – you are also a healer, a warrior, a survivor.  Read that last sentence again!

5. You don’t have to justify to anyone the reasons you didn’t leave right away. The fear, isolation and manipulation that the abuser imposed upon us is legitimate and valid. Studies have proven that trauma can produce changes in the brain. If we experienced or witnessed abuse or bullying in our childhood, we can be subconsciously programmed to reenact our early childhood wounding.

6. Forgiveness of the abuser is a personal choice, not a necessity. Some may tell you that you have to forgive the abuser to move on. Truly, that is a personal choice and not a necessity. You might feel forgiveness of the abuser is necessary in order to move forward, but that does not mean you have to. 

7. Forgiveness towards yourself is necessary to move forward. Self-forgiveness is a different matter. Many survivors struggle with self-blame after the ending of an abusive relationship. As a child, you look back and wonder what you could do differently, but as a child, you should have been taken care of, not abused. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

8. You are not the crazy one. During the abusive relationship, you were gaslighted into thinking that your perception of reality was false and told that you were the pathological one, that your version of events was untrue, that your feelings were invalid, that you were too sensitive when you reacted to his or her mistreatment of you. 

9. You do deserve better. No matter what the abuser told you about yourself, there are people out there in healthy relationships. These people are cherished, respected and appreciated on a consistent basis. 

10. It may have seemed this relationship was like a “waste of time” but in changing your perspective, it can also be an incredible learning experience. You now have the agency to create stronger boundaries and learn more about your values as a result of this experience. As a survivor, you’ve seen the dark side of humanity and what people are capable of. You’ve recognized the value of using your time wisely after you’ve exhausted it with someone unworthy.

As many of us continue our journey daily, know you are loved, you are admired and I am here for anyone still needing help with walking this healing journey. Being RAW has been hard for me, yet I feel a pull not as a life coach, but as a human to share my story. I want to empower survivors and I want you all to know there is this amazing, great life ahead. I am living it today and it is amazing, full of love, friends, and family who love unconditionally. I promise you the abuser is not living a full life.

I am here to help you with your journey. You can email me privately at liveinconfidence@gmail.com and we can get started on your healing journey.

Becky Shaffer/ Author/ Educator/ Life Coach/ Fitness Coach/ Adolescent life Coach

Living Your Best Life

My heart is filled with gratitude! I am blessed with two amazing boys who have made my life all but boring. I had a Mom and Step-Dad that taught me unconditional love and family values. I had an amazing brother whose heart was so loving and giving. I have a beautiful family spread out wide and far, some blood and many not, but they took our family in. We have all walked many storms together and together we always enjoy the beautiful rainbow after all has settled. I have the most amazing friends who have stepped in as family and in times of heartbreak, death, and life events, I am never on my own. For this, I am so thankful! YES, I not only live my best life, but I have been blessed with amazing souls.

My life was not always like this. I had to fight hard, work hard, and truly do the work to get to where I am at today. I still have my days, as we all do. I have had to re-connect with life several times. In my early 20’s I didn’t know the phrase “living my best life”, as I was in survival mode. I had just survived an awful childhood from an abusive father. I somehow managed to make it through college and start a great career, and then I was living in what I ONLY knew, which was survival mode while finding myself in an abusive relationship and another and another. I was self-limiting myself because I was living a familiar life and I only knew “survival-oriented emotions. By dating bad, and having drama friends, I was in my element. This is where I find many of my clients stuck today. Many do not know how to get out of this quicksand that they continue to sink over and over feeling stuck. We were not born with a life manual, we learn as we go. I get it. I was standing in that quicksand during most of my 20s and my 30s. With my experience and training, I am here to help you crawl out of that quicksand and start living YOUR best life.

“Happiness is the highest level of Success”

Until I finally woke up and realized this is the ONE life we get, no matter what we have faced, no matter what we have experienced, this is OUR life and it is up to US in how we move forward from any past shit.

We have all been in a part of our life where we question ourselves. What do I want? How do I want to live this life? How do I get out of this relationship? How do I feel happy again? How do I heal from past trauma? How do I face life after a loved one’s death? This is what I call creating a new life. This doesn’t mean you throw all the past away, it means you take it with you, you turn it into lessons, into your power, and walk forward knowing you will overcome obstacles, you will climb that mountain, you will learn to fly and you will learn to be free of all the bullshit you have been handed and or allowed in your life. You will take the death of loved ones and hold dear to the memories and build something positive of their memory. I have had to recently learn to live without my parents. This has been hard as hell, however, I can smile and cherish all the love and memories I forever hold deep inside. This doesn’t mean I don’t have hard days, but it means I have had to recreate live without them.

Sadly, many build walls and many live in the fear of things being repeated. If you live in fear and do not allow yourself to let go, to heal and to NOT bring your past into new relationships, new friendships, a new job, you will never truly be able to see all that is in front of you. Fear stops the building, fear stops the healing and fear stops that “what could be.” I am not saying that some fear is not healthy, but if you allow it to stop your growth, then you have work to do.

I have personally decided to live my best life. To live to the fullest. To love to the fullest, and to only give to those that appreciate it, want it, and show me this in return. If an opportunity is in front of me, I am going to take it, ONLY if it adds meaning to my life and continues to make me the best version of me. I will be spontaneous, take trips, and see what the world offers. I may never get this time again, so I will take it as life offers it. I never want to live in the “what if”, or the “I should have done that”, I want to live in the, “well, I tried it, I did it” and the lessons will happen or the most amazing experiences will come from this. “LIVING MY BEST LIFE.”

What are you doing to live your best life? This one and only life?

When I sit and look back at my childhood, I realize it has developed me to a degree, but it was such a small part of my life. I have all this life to live, way more than what my childhood was and I think about the lessons from this. Some were not kind, some were heartbreaking, some were not fair to me, and some should have never happened, but it happened. I can’t change any of that, but I can change my outcome, just as you can change yours.

I had to dig deep and ask myself: What kind of person do I want to be? I sure the hell will never be like my biological father, so I do know what I will not be and that was a turning point for me. When we all dig deep, beyond the abusive assholes, beyond those that broke our hearts, beyond those that lied, cheated, or treated us badly, there are some pretty good people around us. Once we clean our lenses and truly look, we all have someone in our life that makes that difference. That one person that believes in you, that will cheer you on in your journey. I have had that with many people in my life. But, I had to truly dig deep, to realize what true unconditional love was.

It took years to feel good about myself, it took years to not feel all the emotions I had from my past. It took a lot of healing, a lot of work, a lot of writing, but most of all it took a lot of ME. I had to find my sense of purpose, comfort, security, inspiration, love, compassion, acceptance, freedom, and many many more positive emotions! YOU CAN TOO!

But what on Earth is meant by “living your best life?”, how do we achieve it?, and why does it feel like so many people other than ourselves have the formula locked down?

Take chances, take risks, try to appreciate the things you do have, and surround yourself with people that bring out the best in you. Sometimes our happiest moments are among the most mundane made special by those they’re shared with. Don’t hinge your happiness on things you think will impress others — that’s not living your best life, that’s only living someone else’s idea of it.

You are a unique individual, so living your best life is exclusive to you. Your best life will reflect your true values. It will be made up of what makes you happy and will be colored by what making a difference means to you. Living your best life is being the best version of YOU!

A few things I live by:

“The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.” Never become too busy or too preoccupied to celebrate everything you have done, all that you have and all that you are! Never become too busy for those in your life!

“You don’t become what you want, you become what you believe.” There is nothing more influential than your thoughts.

“Turn your wounds and pain into wisdom.” Turn your mess into a message. Don’t let your pain be in vain. Do something positive with it!

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.” Stress comes from thinking that things should have been different. But they have worked out this way for a reason. ALL you can do is keep moving forward. Use that past as your positive, as your growth.

 “Go ahead. Fall down. The world looks different from the ground.” Everything that we go through gives us new perspective, information and insight. Embrace all of it.

Let’s Talk!

Take the next step If you’d like to explore whether or not there’s a fit for you and me to work together. Send an email to liveinconfidence@gmail.com and leave your name, and a short message of what you are looking for to improve your life, and I will set up a free 30-minute consultation.

I don’t have a “magic wand” that will bring you instant answers without having to do any work. I’ve been there, I have done the work.

I can’t promise you that your journey won’t be uncomfortable, and possibly frightening at times as putting in the work is hard stuff. But what I can promise you is that I will support you in finding YOUR answer. I’m a coach, not a therapist…and it’s my job to help you get UNSTUCK.

Becky Shaffer /Life Coach/ Fitness Coach/ Educator/

STOP Comparing Yourself

As a woman, society has set me up to think my body should be a certain size and shape. Overall I have been blessed with loving fitness, therefore for most of my life, I have been able to stay in shape because I love eating healthy and working out.

This past year I can’t say it has been easy. I had Covid and I am what you call a long hauler. My system shut down and I put on 25 pounds. After months of blood work and my doctor not giving up on me, I learned that my body went into adrenal gland fatigue and my body stopped producing testosterone. Needless to say, this has really hit my self-esteem and body image of myself. Not to mention the up and down emotions that my body is naturally going through. I was pretty depressed at first, but today I am trying to look at my body and feel thankful that I can still workout, that I am doing the best that I can do and all I can truly do is move forward, work hard, eat right and keep pushing forward.

I myself have to learn that body image and self-esteem start in the mind, not in the mirror, and by far not the scale. Put the scale aside. They can change the way you understand your value and worth. Healthy body image and self-esteem are a big part of well-being.

If you don’t like your body (or a part of your body), it’s hard to feel good about your whole self. The reverse is also true: if you don’t value yourself, it’s hard to notice the good things and give your body the respect it deserves. I have ridden the roller coaster ride of these emotions these past few months.

The more we look at perfect images of others and then look to find those same idealized characteristics in ourselves and don’t find them, the worse we feel about ourselves.

It’s a cycle that breeds discontent. The greater our discontent with how we measure up when compared to the societal or media-supported norms, the more negative our body image, and the greater the risk for extreme weight or body control behaviors occur. We’re talking…

  • Extreme dieting
  • Extreme exercise compulsion
  • Eating disorders
  • Fad Diets
  • Over-the-Counter Diet Pills
  • Extreme or unnecessary plastic surgery
  • Using steroids for muscle building

As a fitness coach, I see plenty of before and after pictures of those who did this diet or that workout and how amazing this diet or workout program has transformed someone. I have seen my clients work hard and make amazing strides, and I see those that make amazing strides that still are not happy with their bodies no matter the progress they have made.

Positive body image involves understanding that healthy attractive bodies come in many shapes and sizes, and that physical appearance says very little about our character or value as a person.

  • Realize that we cannot change our body type: thin, large, short or tall, we need to appreciate the uniqueness of what we have – and work with it 
  • Stop comparing ourselves to others. We are unique and we can’t get a sense of our own body’s needs and abilities by comparing it to someone else 
  • We need to move and enjoy our bodies not because we have to, but because it makes us feel good. Walking, swimming, biking, dancing – there is something for everyone 
  • Spend time with people who have a healthy relationship with food, activity, and their bodies 
  • Commit to a fitness program that you enjoy

I began to take time to look at my reflection in the mirror, not to focus on my appearance or

to imagine how I looked to others, but to simply acknowledge myself and get in touch with how I felt. In doing this over time, I found a way to look past the imperfections in my appearance and see deeper into my own eyes with compassion.  It became a meditation. A way to simply be present with no goal other than to be there with me. I have had to especially work on this these past few months.

Love yourself, and know that each day you get up, that day is yours to own. If you are working out, keep up the hard work, and keep up the goals. If you are ready to start a workout program and learn a new habit of eating, reach out to me, I will help you and I will guide you. This journey is YOURS. OWN IT!

As I continue my own personal journey, I dig deep each day to learn more, and better myself so I can continue to educate myself to help you.

Let’s Talk!

Take the next step If you’d like to explore whether or not there’s a fit for you and me to work together. Send an email to liveinconfidence@gmail.com and leave your name, and a short message of what you are looking for to improve your life, and I will set up a free 30-minute consultation.

I don’t have a “magic wand” that will bring you instant answers without having to do any work. I’ve been there, I have done the work.

I can’t promise you that your journey won’t be uncomfortable, and possibly frightening at times as putting in the work is hard stuff. But what I can promise you is that I will support you in finding YOUR answer. I’m a coach, not a therapist…and it’s my job to help you get UNSTUCK.

Becky Shaffer /Life Coach/ Fitness Coach/ Educator/

What Is The Purpose Of A Relationship?

Not an earth-shattering answer, but the point of a relationship is to grow. A relationship can make life more exciting for one. We consider to think of a relationship as something we do, the mindset of settling down. But are you really settling down?

Of course, we all want to meet our person, most of us want to settle down and build that magical life of bliss. However, I see settling down differently than many. My views come from having relationships and the feeling of “having” to settle down because that is what people do. I want more!

I feel the purpose of a relationship is more than settling down. It is more trial and error, more learning, more adventures, more excitement, more late-night talks on the phone until you fall asleep (ahhhh, my favorite) more good mornings, more coffee talks, more spontaneous travel, and finding that person that wants more out of life with you. A relationship offers “moreness”. Do more, see more, do more of life together. Spend time together. With the right person you have this added, fantastic thing in your life. With the right person, it adds adventure, motivation, a person to pick you up when you fall, a person to understand communication, conflict, agree to disagree, compromise and more than anything unconditional love. Your live or die. Your, “I can’t wait to see you person.”

Everyone wants to have a fulfilling, meaningful, purposeful relationship filled with values, trust and communication. The “more” can’t be filled without these.

Settling down for many is where life becomes a halt. One should never settle down, but grow as a couple, as individuals and experience this amazing thing we call life.

I have settled too long in a couple relationships. There was no “moreness”, there were no adventures, communication, and little memories, and the best of me was not there. That is not the purpose of a relationship. I always want to be my best self as you should always want to be the best YOU.

I tried really hard to settle in every relationship without really thinking about what it all means to me and my life. When my unfulfilled wish of settling in a relationship only left me bitter and a couple heart breaks over a break-up after another break-up, I started to wonder what the purpose of having a relationship is. Is it just to get married and settled with somebody before I become too old? If a relationship doesn’t turn into a marriage, is it a failure? NO!

I could not be who I am today nor could I be aware of what I am writing in my blog now without the experiences and lessons I learned from my past relationships. How about a sense of loss, which I believe is at the core of all the sufferings and pains caused by a break-up? Am I really losing something? Yes, the imaginary expectations I have about a future together. But it is not something which actually existed or happened yet, so it doesn’t make sense to lose something which doesn’t even exist other than in my mind. In reality, I’ve actually gained something every time. More lessons. More of what I don’t want, more of what I do want and more than anything, growth. This growth has allowed me to know what I truly want in my life, it has allowed me to live for the experience, to live for the “more” and enjoy every minute of it. I am thankful for this.

The purpose of a relationship is to continue to find the best you, the best in your partner and your partner finding the best in themselves. If you or your partner can’t find the best within yourselves, you will never find the best in your partner.

I love being in a relationship and I want to find my Ride or Die, a partner that has your back no matter what and picks you up when you fall. It adds this powerful safety net to your life. The purpose of a relationship is much more than settling.

When you have someone that will stay up late and talk to you, someone that will do a last minute trip with you, someone that will do more, feel more and live more life, you are living for the more, the moment, the memories. Looking at a partner in the lens of “more” allows you to know if you have a partner that will grow with you, will spend time with you and willing to be vulnerable. With the right perspective going into a relationship and knowing you found your potential person, you will feel “more life”.

The point of life is to experence things, see more and do more, the point of a relationship is to continue to experence life. Feeling the wholeness is a more, it isn’t settling down. Have I said this enough yet?

Indeed, life itself is a journey to explore. As we continue to grow and change as a person and have different experiences throughout the journey of our lives, the world to explore is endless. Hell, I bought a camper to go explore. I will explore solo, or I will explore with friends and or my person. Just get out there and explore!

It would be more than great if I could do it with somebody for a lifetime. I don’t want to have a relationship to “settle”, but only to explore the journey of life with love, joy and growth with my person and to this person, I am their person. AND to this person, they want to explore with me. I am excited for this part of my life. I want to feel like my person’s “more” as well. We all do.

The point of a relationship is to give you “MORE” in life. Go live and add “moreness” to your life.

Let’s Talk!

Take the next step If you’d like to explore whether or not there’s a fit for you and I to work together. Send an email to liveinconfidence@gmail.com and leave your name, a short message of what you are looking for to improve your life, and I will set up a free 30-minute consultation.

I don’t have a “magic wand” that will bring you instant answers without having to do any work. I’ve been there, I have done the work.

I can’t promise you that your journey won’t be uncomfortable, and possibly frightening at times as putting in the work is hard stuff. But what I can promise you is that I will support you in finding YOUR answer. I’m a coach, not a therapist…and it’s my job to help you get UNSTUCK.

Becky Shaffer / Life Coach / Author / Educator

liveinconfidence@gmail.com

Founder of Moving in Confidence

© Copyright 2022 Becky Shaffer. All rights reserved

Stonewalling

A lot of Silence. And more silence. Followed by more silence, possibly days of silence. Ok, you understand it is the “silent treatment.” The feeling of loneliness, disengagement, and hurt alternate with anger and resignation. You are not happy, you want to reconnect, to restore the good dynamics in your relationship but it feels as if you are banging your head against the brick wall. Communication at its worst!

Stonewalling is oftentimes a tactic learned during childhood. It may have been a behavior their parents used to “keep the peace” or to gain dominance in the family.

Even if the stonewalling appears intentional and aggressive, remember that it’s often used by people who feel powerless or have low self-worth.  It may also be a defensive mechanism used to compensate for these feelings.  In my research, I have also learned that this could also result from how one was communicated with as a child.

Being on the receiving end of silent treatment after getting into an argument with your partner, only to have them completely shut down for days or weeks, stinks. All you want to do is fix things immediately when you’re dealing with conflict and unhappy feelings in a relationship only to find out again that your partner is not receptive to dealing with their feelings. Your feelings are dismissed and your perspective is never heard.

We all know that any conflict is best resolved with healthy communication.  However, we may be in a partnership where the other will not talk.  It is way too tempting to resort to similar behavior yourself but one needs to resist the temptation because you know that someone has to keep the communication lines open, or you will both sink deeper into the conflict. I have been there and experienced this and it hurts like hell.

Conflicts are a normal occurrence in any relationship. What makes them different is the nature of the conflicts and how quickly they are resolved. Any conflict can be worked through with healthy communication. Stonewalling or the silent treatment destroys relationships. It can make one partner feel abandoned and rejected. It can even cause you to question your own self-worth.

The domino effect of the silent treatment is significant. It damages the relationship for both partners, diminishes feelings of intimacy, and increases the risk of suffering from anxiety, and depression.  It reduces the capacity to communicate in a way that’s healthy and meaningful. Both sides should be heard and some sort of “agree to disagree” and or understanding of both sides should lead to a resolution and or compromise.

I have worked with many clients on communication, yet I fell into the “lack of communication” in my last relationship. I am human, and I learned a lot, but it has hurt like hell. I always pride myself on being able to communicate but found myself getting defensive and feeling completely criticized over everything in my life. Things were not talked about, but yet a view or opinion was shared and my feelings were dismissed. I could not explain myself or my feelings without being told I was challenging my partner which in turn caused her to shut down, me to feel dismissed and two people left with hurt feelings. Needless to say this relationship failed. It failed because WE didn’t learn to communicate together. It is sad how many end or lose a great thing because communication is work and it is something that you have to “unlearn” and “relearn” with respect to how your partner communicates. We can question, “Do those that stonewall, truly realize they do this”?, is it too late if this is all they have known their entire life? I think communication therapy could be one of the most powerful and amazing tools in a relationship.

For the partner who adopts silent treatment, it is often a way to avoid dealing with the problem, to control the situation and exercise power, to punish another person, or it is used as a way to express anger. Sometimes those that Stonewall do not realize their behavior because sadly this is how they were treated as children. This ends up being a poor choice in their communication thinking that they are just avoiding a confrontation when in reality they’ve gone about it the wrong way causing a deep confrontation. Whatever motives are behind it, giving your partner silent treatment only makes things worse – it is one of the quickest ways to end your relationship.

The person receiving the silent treatment grows more frustrated and it hurts to have that lack of response, which will lead to even more demands that in turn frustrates their partner who withdraws even further. There is no win/win in communication when both can not talk through things. The issue at hand never gets resolved, there is never a resolution and it causes the relationship to fail.

In a partnership where one partner often resorts to stonewalling tactics, both partners may benefit from a revision of communication tactics learned in couples therapy or a life coach like myself. It is important for both partners to understand why the stonewalling takes place, and a couples therapist and or life coach can help find the root cause. In a relationship where communication and cooperation are lacking it is unlikely to be successful in the long term. Both partners have to be open in improving their communication instead of being stubborn and only seeing one side. A relationship is work, and when you bring in two people, two backgrounds, two worlds along with two lives of experiences communication is key. No one said it was easy, but if the stonewaller is not willing to work on it, the other partner will feel mentally drained, hurt, and resentment will follow. Do not allow yourself to fall into this rut. Everyone deserves to be heard and problems are meant to be solved with compromise and or just a simple agree to disagree.

Becky Shaffer-Life/Fitness Coach/Author

Living In Confidence/Moving in Confidence

https://www.facebook.com/BeckyShafferConfidence

Liveinconfidence@gmail.com

I Am Not A Project

I am not a project comes from some of my own frustrations in the dating world. Being a 49 year old single lesbian Mom has not always been easy. There is a lot of unhealthy out there and the lack of communication and commitment has more than surprised me. My experiences allow me to write and help others. My mistakes have also been a huge impact in my learning.

Hi, I am Becky, a Life and Fitness coach. I am also an educator and find working with my clients comes natural. I coach from experience, but I also have put in the research and study/certification to build my business. I love people and if I can help you just by this article then I reached my goal. I help my clients get healthy physically and mentally. If I can help you beyond this article, please reach out and we will set up a free session to see if we fit together @ liveinconfidence@gmail.com

Checkout my facebook pages :

https://www.facebook.com/groups/movinginconfidence (Fitness Page)

https://www.facebook.com/BeckyShafferConfidence (Coaching Page)

We can all relate to our experiences in relationships. Relationships are HARD! Relationships also are not a project, they are partnerships that make two people feel safe, seen and supported in becoming more of who you are. Read that AGAIN, ” BECOMING MORE OF WHO YOU ARE! Relationships build each other up and support you for being who you are.

Mistakes I have learned and see especially at my age, is when people date for potential. They set themselves up with expectations before they have even built the foundation to reach any type of normal expectations. Of course expectations are human nature in a relationship, but these need to be communicated.

Changing the person you are dating into someone else is not a connection, it’s a control. Being with someone that constantly is trying to change how you do life, how you parent, how you coparent, and traditions you have built for years is not loving someone, that’s rejecting who they are. It is ok to share your opinion and your views in a positive way, but understand your partners views on things and truly listen and communicate why things are so important to each other. Don’t throw a view or opinion out there because of your past and then Stonewall the relationship. When one doesn’t change the other builds resentment because you are not falling into this box of expectations that they have built for this relationship.

Over time both in the relationship will build resentment, as one had expectations and the other feels they can not be their authentic self.

Relationships are a two way street. If one partner continuously withdraws from the relationshp, it will not survive. The partner that refuses to communicate is often drawing the situation out and preventing the other partner from seeking out other options, not understanding the conflict and is left wonderfing what they did. COMMUNICATION IS KEY! This is a sign of dysfuntional behavior. There is also most likely past trauma if stonewalling is occuring and this most likely happened in childhood. By doing this you leave your partner feeling dismissed and like their feelings in the situation do not matter. Trust me, this is a shitty feeling!

Relationships are hard, but should they truly be that hard? Of course when we meet someone we see some potential or we wouldn’t date, but don’t date for potential, date to actually connect, get to know each other and build a foundation.

Bottom line, you are responsible for yourself and you are responsible to be clear about your needs, desired and fears. Knowing and sharing what you want/need regarding intimacy, time alone, support, independence, friend time and most importantly communication to agree or disagree for understanding is part of building a relationship that is grounded in authenticity. Love and support your person and leave your baggage out. Burn that shit before you bring it into a relationship where the other person doesn’t deserve that. Own your shit and do your work.

Relationships are powerful and should bring so much joy to your life. BUT most importantly, do not allow- your vaulues and beliefs along with your passions to get side tracked.

Becky Shaffer-Life/Fitness Coach

Living in Confidence/Moving in Confidence

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