Who wants to date someone with four boys, two dogs, a cat, and two parakeets? Plenty of people of course. Many people think that being a single parent makes them less desirable. Even if you are a single mom or dad, it’s important for you to realize that you are more than just a parent. You are an alive adult that deserves a social life. The hard part is sometimes getting your kids to believe that.
If you have decided to start dating after a divorce or separation your child may feel a range of emotions such as: Feeling insecure, their security threatened, angry and aggressive and some children may wonder if they will still be loved if their parent meets a new partner. Getting clarity on how your children feel, needing clarity for yourself or feeling stuck? If you are ready to work through this, let’s get started: www.Beckyshafferliveinconfidence.com Sign up for a FREE session and let’s talk.
It is very common for children to feel jealous if you start to date. There will be changes in routines and you will now be sharing time with a new person. It is imperative that you are sensitive to your child’s feelings when your new friend comes along. It is also important that you get to know this new person before kids are introduced. The worst thing you can do is introduce someone to your child, then the dating ends and you bring another new person in and continue this cycle. Exposing your children to every casual date may take away a small feeling of loss each time if doesn’t last longer than a few dates.
Children often times will blame themselves if your relationship ends. So be selective, introducing your children to only the people with whom you feel you have a serious chance of a future with. Even dating someone for a long period of time will let you know if that person will be a part of your children’s life.
I had dated someone for four years and our time together was when my kids were with their dad for visitation weekends. Eventually they were introduced, but after so much time I realized that this person had no interest in my kids or even a future together. I had a lot of emotions invested and my kids did like this person a lot, but they saw things before I did. Kids can be brutally honest. I will never forget my kids coming to me one evening and telling me that I deserve much better. We had a very open and honest talk. They were not happy and they saw that I was not happy. In four years this person had only been to a handful of my kids events, never attended a family function or holiday with me and I was often left out of their family holidays as well. My kids were right and I did a very hard thing and ended the relationship. I respect that my kids were able to come and talk to me about how they felt, however; not all kids will do that. It isn’t easy to end a relationship with someone you love, but when your paths are not going in the same direction it will in time end in a head on collision.
In time, I met the right person. Together we have four boys, 2 dogs, one cat, and one big crazy house. We have too much laundry to do and I am constantly mopping the floor. Usually there are dishes and empty water bottles laying around the house, but I could not be happier. Together we have formed a healthy, positive blended family. We let each other know daily how lucky we are that our four kids get along so well and that all fell into place. This is not always the case and it took a couple bad relationships and heartache for either one of us to get where we are today. It can happen. Trust me, I am living it.
The hard part is other people trying to understand you as a parent and their tolerance may not be the same as yours. They will need time to adjust and the children need an adjustment period as well. Invite your new partner to events, dinners and little get together so everyone has that adjustment period.
When you start dating, not only must you be honest with your children, you must also be honest with the people you are dating. Be clear you are a package deal and proud of it! For your children to be happy, you need to be happy. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.
If your child is having trouble with you dating or adjusting then schedule your FREE 30 minute phone conversation and we will see if your child will fit with working with me. Sometimes it just takes some life tools and outside sources for them to understand. Contact me at liveinconfidence@gmail.com or visit my website below.
Becky Shaffer—-Adolescent/Adult Life Coach
bshafferliveinconfidence.com 