Does anyone truly understand what goes on in a teenagers mind? Either you are a teenager or you were a teenager, so we all have had that “we know better than our parents” attitude at some point in our life. However; hearing your child tell you they hate you, are painful words.
One day your child is sweet and loving and then it seems that overnight he or she has turned into a completely different person. Puberty is the culprit.
They are stuck between being a child and being an adult; it’s very confusing for them and unfortunately, you are the one they take out their frustrations on. The rules and boundaries you developed for them as children begin to get tested. They are becoming more independent and feel the need to have some freedoms you aren’t ready to give to them. The word “no” is as painful as a slap in the face as they feel you aren’t considering their feelings at all. They are self-centered, self-absorbed individuals emerging into life after spending twelve years in a cocoon.
Teenagers use the word “hate” as loosely as they do the word “love”; in their young, undeveloped minds. They have no real concept to either word. When they lash out and tell you they hate you, or run to their room and slam their door, it is the strongest way they know how to get your attention; it is, in fact, a plea for help and attention. Don’t dismiss it; deal with it.
Ask them what you did to cause them to hate you; I am sure you will discover that they simply don’t like you very well at that moment because of a rule you enforced, or you told them “no”. You love your child with all your heart and it tears at your soul to hear those words come from your child’s mouth.
This is also the age of peer pressure, not understanding how to fit in, where they fit in and feeling lost. These can be the hardest, most lonely years for a teen. There are a bundle of issues at this age Split homes, lost friends, new friends, moving, shared parenting, bullying and so much more. Your lost, your teen is lost and it is a cycle that no one is winning at.
I had a mom reach out to me that was having difficulty with her 13 and 16 year old daughters after a recent divorce. First of all, this relationship is very savable. Being a single mom is hard and together they were all struggling to find their place.
Another client of mine went to a college he wanted to, but not the one his parents wanted him to go to. They set high standards to a point that was impossible and by the end of his freshman year made him move home. This caused a lack of motivation and no desire to try any longer.
If one could just understand a little more…..
Be more attentive…..
Try a little harder……
Be gentle with yourself…and with your kids/parents…..
If you would like a guide to help you through this teenage journey, or a guide to help your teen through their journey to understand life’s circumstances, e-mail me for a complimentary 30 minute FREE Live in Confidence Phone Session.
Becky Shaffer__________Adolescent/Adult Life Coach