This Shit Is Hard!

workoutwp My journey with fitness is a long one. It started almost as soon as I could walk. Because of this, I don’t have the typical “fitness transformation” story. I’ve always been athletic, but the stages of fitness and the mindset that accompanies them varies greatly throughout each time period in my life. However, this past year has by far been my biggest challenge, and my highest weight. ekkkkkkk

Usually, I enjoy living in my body. I have always had the desire to be healthy, or healthier. I have always relied on my habit of fitness, and the reality of my family genes, which is obesity and many other health issues which have always pushed me to be the best I could be health wise. I fell off the wagon as they say this past year.

Instead, of enjoying my body, I felt shame, sometimes embarrassment. I have always carried around a body that was in shape, toned and never afraid to expose my healthy side. Like many, I do the research, learn different programs, have a great fitness tribe surrounding me and always do the best I can with meal planning. I felt great.

Life at times throws unexpected curveballs. I allowed the curveball to completely knock me off my feet. Instead of taking care of myself, I felt sorry for myself and put my energy into taking care of everyone around me. I went through a situational depression and just the daily routine of waking up, going to work and taking care of my kids exhausted me. I was in a cloud and many things in my life were blurry.

Death had hit my life with the loss of my Mom, who was my best friend. I was also in a toxic relationship, so my energy was to keep my nose above the water so I wouldn’t drown. During this time and feeling the shame about my body I learned so much. My mindset knew what I needed to do. My drive and desire was on empty.

I had to reset my growthh mindset and stretch myself more than I ever had to in my life. Our capacity for success is limited by who we believe ourselves to be, to the degree we allow. I had to unlock my potential and change to be able to unlock this potential that has always been naturally within me. I was having an idenity gap with who I needed to become to reach my goals. Our identity dictates our thoughts, behaviours and actions that sets us up for success or primes us for failure.

I learned that our capacity for success is limited by who we believe ourselves to be.

First, it is ok to take time off for yourself. I personally needed to deal with a broken heart of losing my mom. I needed a reset in my life without the one person I talked to daily about everything. I had to go through a year of the firsts, which just surpassed. However, I am not sure getting through the firsts makes it easier, but it does allow one to process and learn to find joy in events and memories.

I also learned that this shame, though experienced privately, is not an isolated event. Instead, it echoes a trend in our culture: women’s bodies are the subject of much speculation and subjugation, no matter the industry. Perhaps the issue simply arises in a more obvious way in the world of fitness, where bodies are so easily on display. I got hooked in this trend as well and felt if I was not at a certain fitness level, I was gross.

This all hit me hard one day when I looked in the mirror and saw myself. I was disgusted, sad, upset, had a wave of shame hit and for the first time ever, truly hated my body. I knew it was time to get my shit together and get myself back.

I call this my journey. I started being routine again after the 1st of the year. (2020) Then I got sick. I mean really sick for 10 weeks. I was so depressed because I was so determined and I was hit with a setback. Instead of allowing myself to get down, I worked on getting my old eating habits back on track as well as my mental health.

For the past 3 months, I have been routine and consistent again. I am nowhere, where I want to be yet, but I am happy and I feel great. I have learned in this process that this is my body, and today I am pushing it hard, feeding it well and I no longer look in the mirror and feel shame. I know I am working hard. If someone looks at me and thinks differently, fuck them. They are not worthy of making me feel negative.

It is about finding your tribe, those that will support your goals and accept you for where you are at. Fitness has been a huge focus in my life. It has taught me life lessons on persererance, setting goals, failing, achieving, mindset and so much more. I run a motivational group that I absolutely love because it keeps me on track to know I am someone’s motivation that day. My goal this year is to get 2,020 miles in 2020. I am almost at 560/2020 as I write this today. This is my journey as your journey is yours.

Hit the link below and join my motivational fitness group. We share ideas, workouts, recipes and most importantly, friendships.