I am not a project comes from some of my own frustrations in the dating world. Being a 49 year old single lesbian Mom has not always been easy. There is a lot of unhealthy out there and the lack of communication and commitment has more than surprised me. My experiences allow me to write and help others. My mistakes have also been a huge impact in my learning.
Hi, I am Becky, a Life and Fitness coach. I am also an educator and find working with my clients comes natural. I coach from experience, but I also have put in the research and study/certification to build my business. I love people and if I can help you just by this article then I reached my goal. I help my clients get healthy physically and mentally. If I can help you beyond this article, please reach out and we will set up a free session to see if we fit together @ email@example.com
Checkout my facebook pages :
https://www.facebook.com/groups/movinginconfidence (Fitness Page)
https://www.facebook.com/BeckyShafferConfidence (Coaching Page)
We can all relate to our experiences in relationships. Relationships are HARD! Relationships also are not a project, they are partnerships that make two people feel safe, seen and supported in becoming more of who you are. Read that AGAIN, ” BECOMING MORE OF WHO YOU ARE! Relationships build each other up and support you for being who you are.
Mistakes I have learned and see especially at my age, is when people date for potential. They set themselves up with expectations before they have even built the foundation to reach any type of normal expectations. Of course expectations are human nature in a relationship, but these need to be communicated.
Changing the person you are dating into someone else is not a connection, it’s a control. Being with someone that constantly is trying to change how you do life, how you parent, how you coparent, and traditions you have built for years is not loving someone, that’s rejecting who they are. It is ok to share your opinion and your views in a positive way, but understand your partners views on things and truly listen and communicate why things are so important to each other. Don’t throw a view or opinion out there because of your past and then Stonewall the relationship. When one doesn’t change the other builds resentment because you are not falling into this box of expectations that they have built for this relationship.
Over time both in the relationship will build resentment, as one had expectations and the other feels they can not be their authentic self.
Relationships are a two way street. If one partner continuously withdraws from the relationshp, it will not survive. The partner that refuses to communicate is often drawing the situation out and preventing the other partner from seeking out other options, not understanding the conflict and is left wonderfing what they did. COMMUNICATION IS KEY! This is a sign of dysfuntional behavior. There is also most likely past trauma if stonewalling is occuring and this most likely happened in childhood. By doing this you leave your partner feeling dismissed and like their feelings in the situation do not matter. Trust me, this is a shitty feeling!
Relationships are hard, but should they truly be that hard? Of course when we meet someone we see some potential or we wouldn’t date, but don’t date for potential, date to actually connect, get to know each other and build a foundation.
Bottom line, you are responsible for yourself and you are responsible to be clear about your needs, desired and fears. Knowing and sharing what you want/need regarding intimacy, time alone, support, independence, friend time and most importantly communication to agree or disagree for understanding is part of building a relationship that is grounded in authenticity. Love and support your person and leave your baggage out. Burn that shit before you bring it into a relationship where the other person doesn’t deserve that. Own your shit and do your work.
Relationships are powerful and should bring so much joy to your life. BUT most importantly, do not allow- your vaulues and beliefs along with your passions to get side tracked.
Becky Shaffer-Life/Fitness Coach
Living in Confidence/Moving in Confidence