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I started 2020 with the motto #myjourney. I needed a healing journey for my heart after experiencing my moms death and letting myself slide backwards with my fitness and my mindset and frankly some unhealthy behaviors.

This year has taught me to move forward with wisdom, not regret. The question is “What Kind Of Person Do You Want To Become?” When considering changes in this journey, we tend to think in terms of specific behaviors, typically, we give too much voice to our negative behaviors. Or we react in a way that is uncharacteristic and our integrity is questioned.

I decided to move forward with vision not regret. When I don’t see a vision I become unfocused and undisciplined. Sure, I have regret in how I have behaved in certain situations, or allowing someone in my life that wasn’t healthy for me, but instead of living in that, I have to refocus on my vision of who I am as a person. I have to focus on the positive people that are in my life and all the outside positives I have that surround me. #myjourney

Spend time reflecting on who you wish to become or the changes you want to make. We tend to define who we are by what we do. I am a teacher. I am a mom. I am dentist. I am a nurse. We tend to define who we want to be be the same way. I want to be the area’s top realtor. I want to be married. I want to be a marathoner.

We tend to give surface answers instead of digging deeper. Consider the condition of your heart, your character, your soul. This requires diving in deep and a fierce commitment to being gut-honest with yourself. When we truly dig deep and look beneath our behavior we discover what’s driving it–the beliefs and motives that make up our character. Our character and moral qualities are distinctive to who we are.

#myjourney

As you slowly gain a vision of the kind of person you want to become, grow into, improve to be, you will add words to what your motto is. Having acknowledged where you’ve messed up or fallen short puts you in the best possible position to move forward. You may have struggled to change many times and resolved that you will always be the way you are. “It’s just the way I am,” but that is not entirely true. Own your past, own your hurt, own your mistakes, own the things that made others question your integrity and character and decide, who do you want to be?

#myjourney

I do not put #myjourney on my workout posts or my writings only as my motto. I put it on because this has been a journey, and my journey is to own my shit, improve daily to heal, and always become a better version of me. This has been a process in which I have reconnected with friends, made new friends, joined a fitness family and with the help of all those around me, I have set goals in which I am not alone. Remind yourself that it is okay to not be perfect and be grateful for each step forward that you take. Allow those that want to be a part of your journey and support you in to help as you are helping them as well.

If you are ready, come up with YOUR motto and release the past and move forward to a new and better beginning RIGHT NOW.

Today, I am training for my first ever 25K trail run. Like this shit is real. I am actually signed up to run under the name “ultra” which is crazy. I just bought a Peloton bike and I am now part of the most amazing fitness support family. In the process, I have made a core group of friends and each day we check on each other, meet for virtual workouts and hold each other accountable. BUT we are there for our falls and help each other stand back up as well. I have fallen many, many times, but life is a journey and we brush ourselves off and we continue forward. What will your one word be? Love to all my friends!

#myjourney

Becky Shaffer—Author—Life Coach—Educator

Sometimes life can slap the shit out of you. I hate to admit it but this has seemed to be the theme of 2020 for many, but how do you take this and turn it into lessons and a positive?

Sometimes rejection and loss feel like a slap in the face. Like a punch in the stomach. And that can be a hard, hard punch. Especially when you’ve worked your *ss off trying to achieve a certain goal, that next step, that job, that house, that connection, that relationship, expectations for your kids…. Or maybe when you are happy, floating on, all zen-like, and suddenly BAM, life pricks your dream balloon and you land face down on the concrete of reality. GET UP! BRUSH YOURSELF OFF!

I had a moment like this recently. And it sucked. Really, really sucked. And you know what I did? I felt sorry for myself. Immediately, my negative chatter did not disappoint me. Self pity, jealousy, anger, all hit me at once. Awesome way to feel on a Monday afternoon, don’t you think? I was all bitter and zombie-like, desperately trying to find a way to stop the feeling of hurt. Desperately trying to find the why, how and the what the hell? It hurt!

So, what can you do when you are faced with rejection, a loss, a heartbreak, shattered dream or just life hitting you in the face?

1. Feel the feelings

Let the feeling be there. What is it? Disappointment? Fear? Resentment? Sadness? Whatever it is, allow it to come in, to be there. Fighting it will only make it stronger. Feelings can be hard to get used to, but are there to teach us something. Name it. Put it on paper. Don’t fear it. What is it here to tell you?

Just a little warning – you will want to skip this step. I know, believe me. Who wants to feel the feeling, right? It sucks enough as it is, why would you need to spend time feeling it?! Well, trust me, you have a whole lot to learn from this process. And to learn, you need to know what you’re dealing with. Not everyone feels the same way about rejection – so explore YOUR reaction. Also own and understand when you are not proud of your reaction.

And another little warning – you will want to judge yourself. A LOT. This might all seem a little bit weird. Sure, I get it. But maybe you can allow yourself to dial down the cynicism for a moment and see what would happen if you followed these steps. How would you feel? What would you learn? Have a go. Go on.

2. Ask yourself, “What do I need right now?”

What do you really, really need? Pause, listen, reflect. What do you need to do to support yourself right now? To support you in regaining your confidence, your will power, your sense of balance. We get stuck in these unhelpful patterns and we act based on how we feel. We act on autopilot. But when we feel crap, we will no doubt make crap decisions. We form habits that are temporary fixes, but find that instead of helping us get over what is going on, they take us deeper and deeper into that hole.

Really spend time on this one. Divide your needs into categories to address YOU as a whole. Maybe you need to have a delicious, nutritious meal, go for a walk, have a bath, write in your journal, listen to your favorite song and sing off key. Maybe you need to cry, jump, run, dance, see your friends. Meditate. Do yoga. Smile. Whatever it is, identify it and go DO IT. I just took off and went to the beach for a week. I needed to walk, reset, think and truly connect with myself and frankly my hurt. My hurt wasn’t just from rejection, but from a moms heart watching a son battle something no mother wants her son to battle….

3. Resist impulsive decisions

Often, when we get disappointed, especially when there is a bump on the road to something we’ve been working hard towards, we have a jerk reaction of giving up. Of changing direction. And we can come up with various, very good reasons, why our original plan was actually flawed. And sometimes we might be right. We desperately start looking for THE alternative that will change our lives (and will make the rejection disappear). More often than not however, all we do is exhaust ourselves in the process, create further confusion and return to feeling sorry for ourselves.

Take a break. Give yourself time away from your goal. You can return to it soon enough. Go back to step 2 – give yourself what you need.

4. Take responsibility

This is a big one for me right now. Responsibility for myself and my life. When disappointment hits, we often place external blame, we compare ourselves to others. We move the focus outside of ourselves, when we should really be looking internally. It may seem irrational, but it is easier to keep complaining about our circumstances (money, time, opportunities, etc) and use those as reasons why we can’t reach our goals, than to change them.

Change will only happen once you realise who is responsible for creating that change. And it is not your partner, your parents, your boss, your best friend or your enemy. Nope. It is YOU and only you who can change your situation. Sure, others can help or get in the way. So can life. But once you recognize that you are the only one who can shift things, your life starts to reflect that. Things start to flow. Opportunities appear, because you make choices that reflect that responsibility. Your confidence increases because you act in way to support yourself. You are the student and the teacher. Each mistake teaches us something new.

5. Let go

I’m a big believer in manifestation. I believe that our intentions affect where our energy goes and we attract the energies that we project. Which is why, in my recent experience of rejection, I was shocked to my core. But how can it be? I manifested, hard, over and over again! I fought negative energy. I used my mantras. I directed my energy to constructive outlets. Every time doubt knocked, I greeted it with a smiling picture of my crystal clear intention. I saw myself succeeding, happy. I felt the success. Did I not do it right? Oh, how much it sucked being rejected…

The thing is, life is life (resist the song reference here). It has its own way of flowing and no matter how much we fight, how positive we are, how determined and persistent we become, sometimes things will simply not work the way we want them to. Maybe that is for the best. Maybe it is to direct us towards something better. Maybe it is simply to teach us to deal with rejection. Or to help us develop further awareness of ourselves.

Either way, allow a little space for flexibility. Work hard, have a vision, but don’t get attached to the end result. You gain so much more from the journey and the work you do to get there, that sometimes the end result is actually not the end at all. And that is so beautiful, so exciting. Let go of the expectation of what it will look like. Scary, but so worth it.

Becky Shaffer—-Adolescent/Adult Life Coach—-Author—-Educator

My journey with fitness and self-care is a long one. It started almost as soon as I could walk. Because of this, I don’t have the typical “fitness transformation” story. I’ve always been athletic, but the stages of fitness and the mindset that accompanies them vary greatly throughout each time period in my life.  However, this past year has by far been my biggest challenge, and my highest weight.  ekkkkkkk

Usually, I enjoy living in my body.  I have always had the desire to be healthy, or healthier. I have always relied on my habit of fitness, due to the reality of my family genes, which is obesity and many other health issues which have always pushed me to be the best I could be health-wise.  I fell off the wagon as they say this past year.

Instead, of enjoying my body, I felt shame, sometimes embarrassment.  I have always carried around a body that was in shape, toned, and never afraid to expose my healthy side.  Like many, I do the research, learn different programs, have a great fitness tribe surrounding me, have my own fitness coaching business, and always do the best I can with meal planning.   

Life at times throws unexpected curveballs.  I allowed the curveball to completely knock me off my feet.  Instead of taking care of myself, I felt sorry for myself and put my energy into taking care of everyone around me.  I went through a situational depression and just the daily routine of waking up, going to work, getting my son to his hockey, and just trying to stay on top of my career exhausted me.   I was in a cloud and many things in my life were blurry.

Covid hit my house hard and for me, it lasted almost 11 months with long-haul Covid symptoms.

Death had hit my life with the loss of my Mom, who was my best friend, and recently my Dad and then our family dog. It is so hard to realize today, that both my parents are gone. The holidays were hard as for the first time in my life I was parentless. No matter what there is just an emptiness in my heart. Trust me, I have an amazing life, wonderful kids, and many friends that are family, but there is an emptiness I can’t explain.

During this time and feeling the shame about my body I learned so much.  My mindset knew what I needed to do.  My drive and desire were empty.

I have had to reset my growth mindset and stretch myself more than I ever had to in my life.  Our capacity for success is limited by who we believe ourselves to be, to the degree we allow.  I had to unlock my potential and change which is something that has not always been naturally within me.  I was having an identity gap with who I needed to become to reach my goals.  Our identity dictates our thoughts, behaviors, and actions that set us up for success or prime us for failure.

First, it is ok to take time off for yourself.    I personally needed to deal with a broken heart of so much loss in my life.  Then I worked out when I could after dealing with long-haul symptoms of Covid. I needed a reset in my life without the one person I talked to daily about everything.  I had to go through a year of the firsts, and then the second year, and now the third.    However, I am not sure getting through the firsts, the seconds or even the third makes it easier, but it does allow one to process and learn to find joy in events and memories.

I also learned that this shame, though experienced privately, is not an isolated event. Instead, it echoes a trend in our culture: women’s bodies are the subject of much speculation and subjugation, no matter the industry. Perhaps the issue simply arises in a more obvious way in the world of fitness, where bodies are so easily on display.  I got hooked on this trend as well and felt if I was not at a certain fitness level, I was gross.

This all hit me hard one day when I looked in the mirror and saw myself.  I was disgusted, sad, upset, and had a wave of shame hit me. For the first time ever, I truly hated my body.  I knew it was time to get my shit together and get myself back.

I call this my journey.  I started being routine again when I kicked off 645 in my fitness group. (A fitness program with Beachbody) I am doing portion control and completed 645. I then decided as a fitness coach, I needed a fitness coach as well. This at first hit me shared because I allowed myself to get in the mindset of, “I am a fitness coach, I motivate people and I help people”, but I had to be ok admitting that I needed some help myself. I needed a time out and I needed to work on ME. I am currently in a 3-month program with my fitness coach while running my programs. It has by far given me the most determination in a long time.

For the past 3 months, I have been routine and consistent again.  I am nowhere, where I want to be yet, but I am happy and I feel great.  I have learned in this process that this is my body, and today I am pushing it hard, feeding it well and I no longer look in the mirror and feel shame. 

It is about finding your tribe, those that will support your goals and accept you for where you are at.  Fitness has taught me life lessons on perseverance, setting goals, failing, achieving, mindset and so much more.   I run a motivational group that I absolutely love because it keeps me on track to know I am someone’s motivation that day.  However; it is ok to have that motivation for yourself.

Hit the link below and join my motivational fitness group.  We share ideas, workouts, recipes, and most importantly, friendships. I also have a fitness group starting where we will kick some butt with our workouts and revamp our nutrition to break some old habits. You can start at anytime. It all about you and your goals.

For a free 30-minute health assessment, email me at liveinconfidence@gmail.com and I will see if we fit and when we can get you started on your journey.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/movinginconfidence

{Becky Shaffer{  }Life Coach{  }Educator{  }Author}

liveinconfidence@gmail.com

Part of the healing process is sharing with people who care. I have been so fortunate in my lifetime to meet some amazing people on my journey. It’s not selfish to work on you, it’s not selfish to talk about how you feel. It is selfish to not allow yourself to talk, share and heal.
Growing and healing beyond the emotional and physical scars of childhood or even adulthood can be a challenge for many, it can be one of the most vulnerable things you do. It is one of the hardest endeavors you will dive into. The emotions, memories and pain sometimes bring back some of the worst of memories and the feeling of shame which is fucking painful. Shame can lead us to feel as though our whole self is flawed, bad, or subject to exclusion, it motivates us to hide or to do something to save face. So it is no wonder that shame avoidance can lead to withdrawal or to addictions that attempt to mask its impact. Shame holds one back from healing.

If you were a victim of childhood abuse or neglect, you know about shame. You have likely been plagued by it all your life without identifying it as shame. You may feel shame because you blame yourself for the abuse itself (“My father wouldn’t have hit me if I had minded him”) or because you felt such humiliation at having been abused (“I feel like such a wimp for not defending myself”).Shame is contagious if you take on the lethal projections of shame from a partner–especially one who is abusive. In this same way, shame is especially difficult, if not toxic. I was in this type of relationship. I felt shame for every move I made. I didn’t text enough, I didn’t call enough, I was never enough. Yes, these are words that were said to me, but due to my deep rooted childhood abuse, I started to believe I was in the wrong ALL THE TIME. I allowed this verbal abuse into my life, because I believed it. It led to a very toxic relationship and it led me to behaviors I am forever not proud of. I reacted because I wasn’t healed inside. I reacted because the verbal cut downs were too much of an unhealed past that I didn’t realize I wasn’t healed from. I can say my partner wasn’t healed from her past either. Her words were of her upbringing and my reactions were of my upbringing. It ended in a very toxic relationship. It bought out much pain, and so much anger and sadness that I had no clue still lived inside of me. I had to face the demons of my past along with some unfinished healing. I became that “wounded child” with-in my adult self.

What is really fucking hard is knowing you are a professional adult, successful, helping many people daily, being a teacher, a life coach, the motivator, yet you are the one that fell down. That took me some time to digest. I have learned from this process. I am a leader, the motivator, but I am also a human who survived some shit. Without that shit, I wouldn’t have become a teacher, a life/fitness coach and I wouldn’t be sitting her vulnerable writing parts of my story to help you! I feel thankful for my past. I feel thankful that my gut was stronger than my mind at times. I feel thankful that for some reason I had a “I can do better than this” push with-in me. You have that push too. Sometimes it is just buried deep, but trust me, it is there.

Recognizing you are not healed and what you are in is toxic, is so important. Sometimes hitting rock bottom, as I call it “the deep black hole” is what it takes.

I AM A SURVIVOR.

It took me years to be able to say that. I felt if I used the word “survivor” then I had to fully admit I wasn’t fully healed and worst of all for me, I had to admit that I was a victim.   Each stage of my life has lead to a different kind of healing. IT is okay to heal in stages. There is no quick fix to years of abuse, no matter the type of abuse. There is no time limit, no set amount of counseling or life coaching. The time is with-in you, and you only. It’s your journey, your process and how you can grow with-in yourself with your experiences. How can you turn your shit into a positive?

I AM A SURVIVOR!

Those are not words I use lightly.

During my healing journey, I wrote a letter to my child self from my adult self of today. I will warn you, it is pretty damn deep of emotions, and it took me 2 months to write. I couldn’t understand the assignment I was given to write to my child self….but once I started to write I couldn’t stop. It was amazing. The weight that fell off of me when I signed my name was unbelievable.

My journey has been long. It will forever be a journey, but forever a journey in the right direction. Healing, understanding and knowing I will never fall into a deep black hole again is a feeling of accomplishment.   My journey has taught me much! Understanding triggers and walking away from toxic things has been a lesson. I feel empowered.

EMPOWERMENT is the process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in controlling one’s life and claiming one’s rights. Empowerment feels like, FREEDOM and INSPIRATION to me.

The number of people that suffer in silence, continues to grow. Healing from trauma may be uncomfortable and painstaking at times; no one said it was easy. But once you embark on your healing journey, you’ll realize how exciting and rewarding it can be to reconnect with the beautiful intricacies that make you, you.

KNOW THAT YOU ARE MEANT TO SURVIVE THROUGH YOUR TRAUMA AS WELL.

Becky Shaffer/ Author/ Educator /Life Coach-Adult/Adolescent/ Fitness Coach

“Love is not what you say, it is what you do”

The question of “What is love?”, has recently been a question circling around in my head. We have all most likely experienced the lose of a loved one and many of us have dated, been married, had a heart break, and even divorced, or hell maybe even all of the above.

Love is one of the most profound emotions we experience as humans. It’s bigger than us, we do not have the control over the how, when and where love starts to express itself and we can find ourselves loving people we don’t like at all. Love does not come with conditions, stipulations, agendas, or codes. We can choose to surrender to love or not, but in the end, love strikes like lightning: unpredictable and irrefutable.

Since love is inherently free, we spend nights tossing and turning in an attempt to understand what it is, and how to know if we have it. How do you define something so uncontrollable and versatile?

That’s the tricky thing about love, we can feel it in a variety of different states–when we’re happy, sad, angry, confused or excited–and our attitudes about love can range from affectionate love, to infatuation and pleasure. We even use love as an action, as a force to keep our relationships with partners, or friends and family, together.

As a daughter and Mom I have learned what unconditional love is. I love my children no matter their mistakes, successes or at times treatment towards me. I was shown this unconditional love from my own mom. There are no stipulations and no matter a mistake, a bad day, an argument, you know as a mom/parent or as a child your mom is still going to love you. Sadly for some, they don’t feel this unconditional love.

I still to this day watch my children sleep. The warm, fuzzy feelings I get in my heart is a love only felt when I stand at the doorway staring at them innocently sleeping. It is one of my favorite things to do. I hold these memories deep inside my heart. Sometimes this is the only time they are innocent in this world today.

So in my crazy thoughts beyond being a mom and a daughter, why is it so hard for many to find a partner that can love unconditionally. There seems to be this word of red flags, or if a mistake is made a step is taken backwards, there is little room for forgiveness or growth as people are all human and not one person is perfect. There is always room for the fun, the love and memories, but when something goes wrong, it is very easy for many to feel the grass is greener on the other side.

Love cannot be turned on as a reward. It cannot be turned off as a punishment. Only something else pretending to be love can be used as a lure, as a hook, for bait and switch, imitated, insinuated, but the real deal can never be delivered if it doesn’t spring freely from the heart.

I have loved and I have felt love. I have also questioned loved, and I have also had my heart broken and sadly I have broken hearts. I have had questionable love and I am pretty sure I have had those afraid to love in my life. I am not talking all dating relationships, this all falls under friendships and family as well.

“Am I Loved?” Vs. “Do I Love?”

The two scenarios that usually cause us to contemplate “What is love?” give meaning to the question. Either we wonder, “Am I loved?” or we ask, “Do I love?”

It is easier to first address the “What is love?” question in terms of the love we feel coming toward us. If we understand how to recognize when we are being loved, we can also learn to recognize our love for another. It is also important to feel this love by action as words are not always followed by action.

When we are loved, we tend to feel it intuitively in our guts. But how does it work? Is there an extrasensory perception in the heart that is able to read the feelings in another person’s heart?

In fact, it’s really not that ethereal or supernatural. On the contrary, it’s pretty practical and down-to-earth. Our hearts take cues from our senses. Everything we see, hear, taste, touch or smell teaches us about our universe. Take a second and think about that. It is pretty deep. We don’t need to contemplate or ask questions. Our sensory organs report to our brains, and our brains interpret the data and send the report to our hearts. So, if we see a loving smile, hear loving words, or feel a loving touch, the brain processes this information and concludes, “Hey, we are being loved right now!”

In short, when we are loved, there is tangible proof. It’s not an abstract thought or feeling, it’s concrete and evidenced. This means, when you are treated with love, your heart feels that love.

Love is an Action

Now we can address the second part of the “What is love” quandary—how to know if we love someone else? The answer is straightforward. When we behave lovingly towards someone, it means we love that person. Again, Action, not always words.

When we ask a question like “What is love?” we assume that we’re trying to define an abstract concept similar to “What is freedom?” or “What is good fortune?” But truthfully, love is not a concept. It’s an action.

To ask, “What is love?” is like asking, “What is running?” or “What is swimming?” If you’ve ever seen someone run or swim, you know exactly what running and swimming entail.

Feelings can be deceptive. Sometimes, what we perceive as love may in fact be another emotion. But actions cannot be mistaken. So, rather than ask, “What is love?” we must ask, “Do I perform acts of love for my beloved?” and “Does my beloved perform acts of love for me?” Am I apart of them and their family and are they apart of mine? It is blending together and making/building memories together.

Becky Shaffer/Life Coach/Educator/Author

Life was not built on a manual, but on experience and with that experience we build our own personal manual. This is how I have always viewed my life. My manual is forever being edited.

Even with this manual and learning experiences, many of us live in regret. Let me break it down: Shit happens. You react, you make a choice, you take an action. Then time passes. And you think about what happened. You analyze it, obsess over it and talk at nauseam about it with your friends. You continue to gather more information and knowledge. Then you take all this awareness and information that you have now, and beat yourself up because you did not know it then. It is totally unfair and unreasonable to take what you know now and use it to beat yourself up for what you didn’t know then. Trust me, I have run this cycle. I hate it, but it is how we learn.

I have lived in regret, but I have learned to appreciate my experiences as they can only lead me to a better version of me, which I always strive for. I have learned to look at regret in two ways: Productive regret in which one learns to change their behavior for the future and unproductive regret, where one completely blames themselves, which can create chronic stress which leads to a very unhealthy you. We have all replayed scenarios over and over in our heads, thinking of all the things we could have done or said. We allow ourselves to get trapped in a shoulda/coulda/woulda perspective, and it’s a miserable place to be, isn’t it?

I lived the Unproductive regret for too long. I felt deflated, hopeless and frankly like I wasn’t worth more than I had allowed in my life at the time. I lived daily wishing I made a different decision, wishing I would have thought things through and wanted nothing more than to change the current situation I was in. I beat myself up over trying to figure out why, trying to understand instead of spending time healing and moving forward and viewing this as a life lesson which would only build me to be productive.

Frankly, at times I am just fucking tired. My entire childhood consisted of me trying to numb myself, trying to not feel my dads abuse, and no matter how much I didn’t understand what was happening to me, I had to be in survival mode every single day. I can’t say none of this has NOT been carried to adulthood as this was all I knew. However, I have always tried to be aware of my emotions, healthy or not healthy, and I will certainly do anything to learn and heal.

I can’t change my past, but I can always change how this affects my today and my future moving forward. I am not the only person that lives with regretful decisions, but I know I am one that will work my ass off to not repeat or relive them. I will also not live being in a numb state any longer. I have worked too hard and life is too short to not live for enjoyment, memories and yes, love.

I am at the age where most become more adept at letting go of regrets. We may not have as much opportunity to undo the past — return to school for a degree, say, or undo a marriage or even understand why the hell it happened— but life experience has wised me up. The bottom line is, I have learned to accept things I can’t change and to move forward with lessons from those moments. I am worth so much more than I ever allowed myself to have. Experiences should have no regrets. Experiences allows us to add to that life manual so we are our best self moving forward.

I will never be mistake free, as no human is, but I can control how I allow someone to talk to me, treat me and I can control who I allow in my life. I am so worthy with an open heart, but I am so much stronger and smarter with each passing day.

Today, I move forward! There is NO LOOKING back, and I will not allow anyone to take me backwards ever again!

Never live in regret, just live with the experience and allow yourself to embrace and learn.

Becky Shaffer-Life Coach-Educator-Author

liveinconfidence@gmail.com

“Life is chaotic right now.” ” I’m frustrated,”“It’s just not how I thought this last quarter of the 2019-2020 school year would go with my students.”  “It also is not how I thought my sons senior year would end.”  No prom, all spring sports seasons were cancelled and graduation will be virtual, something new for all of us.  However, as a teacher and a mom, I have to keep that positive mindset and just say, “here we go”, this is new and we are definitely living history.  My heart also breaks with those that have lost loved ones during this Pandemic.  I would say we are all grieving in our own way.  Many have not seen their families in months, and daily we do worry who will catch this virus next.  “Our new Norm?”

Amid the COVID-19 pandemic, these are my primary thoughts as I continually ask the question, “Are you doing OK?” or, I’m sorry, and I know it’s not fair. I feel like I should be doing something. Along those lines, perhaps I should also be asking a second question: “What do you think you’ll learn from this?” This is where the teacher comes out in me.  This fitness side of me asks, “What are you doing to take care of yourself?”

I’ve realized that my job as a teacher has little to do with teaching content, and a great deal more to do with facilitating opportunities for my students and my own kid’s growth. Because let’s be honest, most of the content—definitions, theories, models—can easily be retrieved in a whopping five seconds with a targeted Google search.

My thoughts and heart go to my students and all of those in the class of 2020.  For many, this will be the ONLY graduation they will every experience.  As for my 8th-grade students,  I have watched them grow, mature and I have watched forever friendships connect in a deep understanding of each other.  I have watched teachers put in tireless hours to make sure our students are ok.  I know because I am one of them.

My heart hurts to not hug my students good-bye on the last day of school.  You see my students will move on to high school next year.  I hope some of these lessons from room 7 follow my students and I hope those of you reading this can apply much of this to you as well.

Don’t be afraid to fail. I don’t mean your classes. I mean in life.  Take risks and try new things. Don’t be scared to try out for a sport you love, a club that excites you or even the school play.  You will build amazing friendships with those that surround you and support your interests.  Don’t be afraid to try new things.  Train for a run, go cycling, pick up a new hobby.

Ask questions. Question your friends if they are heading in the “wrong direction” in life; in fact, you might even question if you should stay friends with them. Every stage in life is a time for a change.  You will outgrow some of your friendships and build new amazing friendships with those you thought you would never be friends with.  Think outside the box.  Do not allow yourself to get stuck.   I have learned that people come and go at certain times of your life.  This isn’t a bad thing, but if you are growing and they are not, this could be toxic.  Ask yourself questions such as, “Is this what I want?”, “what is best for me”, “how do I live my most healthy life”?

Get to know your teachers. Yes, we actually like when students share their private lives with us. Most of us also like to share our lives with you. It is those people who come in to talk with me because they want to, not because they have to, whom I will stay close to. It is great to have that connection with our students.  We were your age once as well.  I know hard to believe.  We also love to come to your events.  It is great watching our students do their thing.  It is also great to help our students when facing hard times.  We are more than a teacher.  Parents, get to know the teachers instead of posting shit on social media.  They/We are human too.  We are all in this together.  AND we have kids as well.  We get it, most of the time.

Specifically for my students: Trust yourself. Trust your instincts.  You are all a great group of people. I trusted you to not steal things out of my room. I trusted you in my classroom with my purse sitting right there. my cell phone out in the open, all my supplies… I trusted you to walk around the school, as long as I knew where you were. I did all of this because my instincts told me that you are a great group of people. Yes, we had some rough patches along the way, but in the end, I trusted that you would make the correct decisions in the long run. And when you didn’t, I trusted you learned a lesson.

Believe. This has been my theme for anyone connected in my life.     Believe you matter … all of you learned that even a 13- or 14-year-old can make a difference in the world.  Our High school kids are making a difference and we are all living this history together.  A little act of kindness can make someone’s day.  Personally, I believe that all kids can make a difference in the world—someone just has to guide them on how to start.  As an adult, I will always believe in those around me.  We all have good built within us.  Believe in YOU and believe in our younger generations to learn for our example.

So, to my students and all those graduating,  it is time. Time to let you go. Time to let you fly. Time to share you with the world.  You will all fly on your new journey, don’t let me down.  As much as many teachers and parents would like to have you return and redo this year,  we all know you must move on. As I always say to my students, “Once my kid, always my kid.” Know that I am always here for you.  To my parents.  Thank you for the teamwork and know I am always here for you as well.  To all parents out there.  WE DID IT!  

This has made our world come to a ‘slam on your breaks stop.’  This has made us appreciate time at home, binge-watching Netflix, cleaning out closets, garages and actually spending time with our families.  But it also occurs to me that this is when the world needs our eyes and ears and minds. This has never happened before here (at least not since 1918). Together we have to help make sense of this and recover afterwards.

Keep records of the e-mails and texts you’re getting, the thoughts you’re having, the way your hearts and minds are reacting to this strange new way of living? It’s all-important. Fifty years from now, people will be learning this in history class.  

I have to pinch myself and remind myself that we are living our first pandemic.  I have to remind myself that patience will get us through this safely and put trust into our leaders, not the morons that are on the streets bashing our leaders.

I feel thankful that I can live through this as a mom and as a teacher.  I am thankful for the lessons that we are learning each and every day.  It has brought out ugly in people, but it has brought out love, communities helping each other, our own appreciation for our family and friends and most of all, it has SLOWED us all down to truly look at life.

Embrace this part of history and write your own story, take your own pictures and record this moment in time.  Show respect, own it, and be kind!

Becky Shaffer/     Life Coach/     Author/     Educator

liveinconfidence@gmail.com

My journey with fitness is a long one. It started almost as soon as I could walk. Because of this, I don’t have the typical “fitness transformation” story. I’ve always been athletic, but the stages of fitness and the mindset that accompanies them varies greatly throughout each time period in my life.  However, this past year has by far been my biggest challenge, and my highest weight.  ekkkkkkk

Usually, I enjoy living in my body.  I have always had the desire to be healthy, or healthier. I have always relied on my habit of fitness, and the reality of my family genes, which is obesity and many other health issues which have always pushed me to be the best I could be health wise.  I fell off the wagon as they say this past year.

Instead, of enjoying my body, I felt shame, sometimes embarrassment.  I have always carried around a body that was in shape, toned and never afraid to expose my healthy side.  Like many, I do the research, learn different programs, have a great fitness tribe surrounding me and always do the best I can with meal planning.  I felt great.  

Life at times throws unexpected curveballs.  I allowed the curveball to completely knock me off my feet.  Instead of taking care of myself, I felt sorry for myself and put my energy into taking care of everyone around me.  I went through a situational depression and just the daily routine of waking up, going to work and taking care of my kids exhausted me.   I was in a cloud and many things in my life were blurry.

Death had hit my life with the loss of my Mom, who was my best friend.  I was also in a toxic relationship, so my energy was to keep my nose above the water so I wouldn’t drown.  During this time and feeling the shame about my body I learned so much.  My mindset knew what I needed to do.  My drive and desire was on empty.

I had to reset my growthh mindset and stretch myself more than I ever had to in my life.  Our capacity for success is limited by who we believe ourselves to be, to the degree we allow.  I had to unlock my potential and change to be able to unlock this potential that has always been naturally within me.  I was having an idenity gap with who I needed to become to reach my goals.  Our identity dictates our thoughts, behaviours and actions that sets us up for success or primes us for failure.

I learned that our capacity for success is limited by who we believe ourselves to be.

First, it is ok to take time off for yourself.    I personally needed to deal with a broken heart of losing my mom.  I needed a reset in my life without the one person I talked to daily about everything.  I had to go through a year of the firsts, which just surpassed.    However, I am not sure getting through the firsts makes it easier, but it does allow one to process and learn to find joy in events and memories.

I also learned that this shame, though experienced privately, is not an isolated event. Instead, it echoes a trend in our culture: women’s bodies are the subject of much speculation and subjugation, no matter the industry. Perhaps the issue simply arises in a more obvious way in the world of fitness, where bodies are so easily on display.  I got hooked in this trend as well and felt if I was not at a certain fitness level, I was gross.

This all hit me hard one day when I looked in the mirror and saw myself.  I was disgusted, sad, upset, had a wave of shame hit  and  for the first time ever, truly hated my body.  I knew it was time to get my shit together and get myself back.

I call this my journey.  I started being routine again after the 1st of the year. (2020) Then I got sick.  I mean really sick for 10 weeks.  I was so depressed because I was so determined and I was hit with a setback.  Instead of allowing myself to get down, I worked on getting my old eating habits back on track as well as my mental health.

For the past 3 months, I have been routine and consistent again.  I am nowhere, where I want to be yet, but I am happy and I feel great.  I have learned in this process that this is my body, and today I am pushing it hard, feeding it well and I no longer look in the mirror and feel shame.  I know I am working hard.  If someone looks at me and thinks differently, fuck them.  They are not worthy of making me feel negative.

It is about finding your tribe, those that will support your goals and accept you for where you are at.  Fitness has been a huge focus in my life.  It has taught me life lessons on persererance, setting goals, failing, achieving, mindset and so much more.   I run a motivational group that I absolutely love because it keeps me on track to know I am someone’s motivation that day.  My goal this year is to get 2,020 miles in 2020.  I am almost at 560/2020 as I write this today.  This is my journey as your journey is yours.

Hit the link below and join my motivational fitness group.  We share ideas, workouts, recipes and most importantly, friendships.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/385477238891193/?ref=share

{Becky Shaffer{  }Life Coach{  }Educator{  }Author}

Bashaffer14@gmail.com

Part of the healing process is sharing with people who care. I have been so fortunate in these last few years to meet some amazing people on my journey. It’s not selfish to work on you and it’s not selfish to talk about how you feel. It is selfish to not allow yourself to talk, share and heal.  I have learned this along the way.
Growing and healing beyond the emotional and physical scars of childhood or even adulthood can be a challenge for many. It is one of the hardest endeavours you will dive into. The emotions, memories and pain sometimes bring back some of the worst of memories and the feeling of shame which is fucking painful.

Shame can lead us to feel as though our whole self is flawed, bad, or subject to exclusion. It motivates us to hide or to do something to save face. So it is no wonder that shame avoidance can lead to withdrawal or to addictions that attempt to mask its impact. Shame holds one back from healing.  It also allows for unhealthy relationships to enter your life.

If you were a victim of childhood abuse or neglect, you know about shame. You have likely been plagued by it all your life without identifying it as shame. You may feel shame because you blame yourself for the abuse itself (“My father wouldn’t have hit me if I had minded him”) or because you felt such humiliation at having been abused (“I feel like such a wimp for not defending myself”).

Shame is contagious and many of us take on the lethal projections of shame from a partner–especially one who is abusive. We got used to this treatment, therefore we have allowed it to continue.  In this same way, shame is especially difficult, if not toxic. I was in this type of relationship. I felt shame for every move I made. I didn’t text enough, I didn’t call enough, I wasn’t “normal” and I was never enough. Yes, these are words that were said to me, but due to my deep-rooted childhood abuse, I started to believe I was in the wrong ALL THE TIME. I allowed this verbal abuse into my life because I believed it.

It led to a very toxic relationship and it led me to behaviours I am forever not proud of. I reacted because I wasn’t healed inside. I reacted because the verbal cut downs were too much of an unhealed past that I didn’t realize I wasn’t healed from.  I didn’t stand up for myself.

I can say my partner wasn’t healed from her past either. Her words were of her upbringing and my reactions were of my upbringing. It ended in a very toxic relationship. It bought out much pain, and so much anger and sadness that I had no clue still lived inside of me. I had to face the demons of my past along with some unfinished healing. I became that “wounded child” with-in my adult self. I owned that I needed to take some steps in my life to get healthy again.

What is really fucking hard is knowing you are a professional adult, successful, helping many people daily, being a teacher, a life coach, the motivator, yet you are the one that fell down. It took time to digest those feelings.

I have learned from this process. I am a leader, the motivator, but I am also a human who survived some shit. Without that shit, I wouldn’t have become a teacher, a life/fitness coach and I wouldn’t be sitting here vulnerable writing parts of my story to help you! I feel thankful for my past. I feel thankful that my gut was stronger than my mind at times. I feel thankful that for some reason I had a “I can do better than this” push with-in me. You have that push too. Sometimes it is just buried deep, but trust me, it is there.

Recognizing you are not healed and what you are in is toxic, is so important. Sometimes hitting rock bottom, as I call it “the deep black hole” is what it takes.

“I AM A SURVIVOR.”

It took me years to be able to say that. I felt if I used the word “survivor” then I had to fully admit I wasn’t fully healed. Each stage of my life has lead to a different kind of healing. IT is okay to heal in stages. There is no quick fix to years of abuse, no matter the type of abuse. There is no time limit, no set amount of counseling or life coaching. The time is with-in you, and you only. It’s your journey, your process and how you can grow with-in yourself with your experiences. How can you turn your shit into a positive?

“I AM A SURVIVOR!”

Those are not words I use lightly.

During my healing journey, I wrote a letter to my child self from my adult self of today.  It is pretty damn deep of emotions, and it took me 2 months to write. I couldn’t understand the assignment I was given to write to my child self….but once I started to write I couldn’t stop. It was amazing. The weight that fell off of me when I signed my name was unbelievable.  It was such a healing process for me and allowed me to forgive my abuser. Something I never felt was possible.

My journey has been LONG.  It will forever be a journey, but forever a journey in the right direction. Healing, understanding and knowing I will never fall into a deep black hole again is empowering. My journey has taught me to understand triggers and walking away from toxic situations. I feel empowered.

EMPOWERMENT is the process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in controlling one’s life and claiming one’s rights. Empowerment feels like, FREEDOM and INSPIRATION to me.

If you have experienced a traumatic event or a difficult childhood it may help to:

• Think about the personal strength that you showed to survive these events. Even if you made some mistakes or did some things you regret, you did what you had to do to survive and that is something to be proud of.
• Think about the things that you have put in your life currently that make it meaningful, be it relationships, your work, your faith, or taking care of your family. Try to find everyday positives in the life you have now.
• Think about what you have learned from going through these difficulties, and about how you might use this knowledge to help yourself and other people.
• Know that growth and hope can coexist with grief and that there will be ups and downs. Learn to anticipate and manage these. Be gentle with yourself on days when it is just too difficult to see the positive.

As a trauma survivor, I’ve done everything possible to push aside my most painful memories. While I’ve always considered myself a no-nonsense, “face the truth” type of person, it took me, literally, decades to realize that I was living in denial about what happened to me so many years ago. I also allowed those experiences to connect me with people that frankly were not good enough/healthy for me.

The number of people that suffer in silence, continues to grow. Healing from trauma may be uncomfortable and painstaking at times; no one said it was easy. But once you embark on your healing journey, you’ll realize how exciting and rewarding it can be to reconnect with the beautiful intricacies that make you, you.

KNOW THAT YOU ARE MEANT TO SURVIVE THROUGH YOUR TRAUMA AS WELL. We can set up a FREE phone conference to discuss the healing journey you are ready to embark on.  Send me an email and lets schedule a time.  I look forward to helping you find peace with-in yourself and growing to be your best.

Becky Shaffer/ Author/ Educator /Life Coach-Adult/Adolescent/ Fitness Coach/  Bashaffer14@gmail.com