On the outside you have it all figured out. You are successful, talented, goal-oriented and capable, but on the inside, you don’t believe any of it and you’re feeling the most insecure you have ever felt. You feel powerless, lost your confidence and the feeling of treading water is starting to wear you down. Waiting on someone or something to come in and make your life complete isn’t going to happen because you are already complete! It is just putting it all together and taking all those negative bubbles, popping them and learning why these feelings have started to drown you.
Insecure is a feeling of not feeling self-confident or certain, uneasy and anxious. Feelings we have all had and feelings that are natural to have. It is when one always feels insecure that digging deep and learning why is key to being able to move forward.
I decided to write this blog because I found myself feeling insecure in the recent months. Something I normally do not feel. We all feel the normal insecurities of life at times, but this had been different. It is always important to me to not stay stuck, to figure out what is going on and get to the root of an issue so I can move on and fully enjoy what is right in front of me in life. Even as a life coach, I need to dig deep at times and having my clients dig deep in their soul is imperative to moving forward.
Because this struggle is so internal and most of the time even independent of circumstances at hand, it’s important to deal with our insecurities without distorting or dragging our partner, friends or family into them. We can do this by taking two steps:
- Uncovering the real roots of our insecurity.
- Challenging the inner critic that sabotages our confidence.
No one signs up to have a journey of trauma or other things life may throw one’s way, but I have personally learned that when I fall down, get my butt kicked, suffer disappointed, screw up or feel heartbreak it doesn’t matter if I am ready for the journey or not, it doesn’t matter if I am emotionally ready for the adventure—hurt happens. It happens to all of us and there is, no exception. It just sucks. The only decision we can truly make is how we choose to take our journey. DO NOT allow someone to have power over you. Allow yourself to have the power to get into a positive mindset.
I was curious at why I was feeling insecure all of a sudden. More than the normal. I needed to explore the ins and the outs of my past and more so the past two years of my life. What did I need to understand about my situation? Was I making assumptions? What more did/do I need to learn and understand about the other people in my story?
I have had to learn that clarifications in my story may never happen and I have to be okay with this. As a survivor of child sexual abuse and all other experiences in my life, there are simply situations I can’t control and situations that I can’t rewind nor have a re-do. Each one of these steps, relationships and experiences in my life is my story. It is my story to tell and my story to own. I have had to heal from shame, blame, and learn to trust again.
When digging deep recently I was reminded that:
- I need to trust myself and the people I care about the most.
- I learned that one of the most vulnerable parts of loving someone is trusting that they love you back and I need to not have assumptions.
- When I play back my last year, I have learned to have to courage to heal my emotions and be brave by writing my story.
- I learned to understand that my fall was a gift to healing.
- I know that being insecure is natural, but I needed to get out from underneath the weight of these particular insecure feelings that were holding me back.
- I became aware of how our feelings of insecurity may be misplaced, based on something old as opposed to our current situation. Our insecurities can further stem from a “critical inner voice“ that we’ve internalized based on negative programming from our past.
Like many, I allowed some of my past insecurities to seep into what I had accomplished, and I allowed my vulnerability to turn into insecurities. Instead of opening myself up all the way, I had the door half-opened with one foot barely stepping out. This wasn’t fair to my new relationship. Once this clicked, I have been able to open my door all the way. These insecurities were my own. I own this story of my past, I own my experiences and I own moving forward. What I have today is something I have never had. I have a partner walking this walk beside me. Supporting my story, my fears and most of all, loving me for all of me including my flaws and not just what one thinks I should be. Writing your story brings insecurities, some feelings of shame, pain and at the same time a triumph of survival and healing.
I had spent so much of my life feeling shame or feeling like I would be judged to where people would be disappointed when they learned my story. I constantly fought with being disappointed in myself. I had so much resistance at one point and resentment toward my father, that I was allowing him to hold me back. This is where I had to learn to not allow someone to have power over me.
A year ago, when I started to write and share my story, he no longer had control over me. I owned my story and he was no longer in charge of it. The trick to staying out of resentment is maintaining better boundaries and holding myself more accountable for asking for what I need and want. I needed to take responsibility for my own well-being and I did. I had numbed my discomfort for years, and I chose to dig deep into my experiences. At 45, life has been full of many good experiences, but I allowed some negative experiences in my life as well and some very toxic negative relationships.
When we allow the negative, that is due to falling into that hole of insecurity and not having the confidence of knowing we deserve better, boundaries need to be set. Being clear on what behaviors are okay and what’s not okay. You have to commit because once you set your boundaries you need to hold yourself and others accountable for respecting them. I found that once I personally did this, my insecurities from years ago disappeared. It is now about my integrity and my courage. Sometimes this is uncomfortable but being clear about what’s acceptable and what’s not is key to growth in all areas of healing and moving forward.
It is easy to allow insecure feelings to flood within us especially those who have faced much trauma in their life. The feelings of disappointments and failure may have been a norm at one time and sadly that can carry on to adulthood and into relationships. Confidence increases when people are able to triumph over adversity. The past is for lessons. The present is for experiences. The future is for dreams. Insecurity increases when the past continues to become the future.
Are you ready to find your confidence and clarity so you can discover your fullest potential? Go to www.BeckyShafferliveinconfidence.com and sign up for a complementary session to see if we are a fit in moving forward so you can feel happier and more fulfilled.
Becky Shaffer | Adolescent/Adult Life Coach | Author/Educator/Speaker